The Leahy Lounge

Monday, October 31, 2005

Larry Lucchino loses mind, runs Boy Wonder out of town


In a shatteringly ignorant display of heavy handed cockknockery, Larry Lucchino and the Red Sox brass have orchestrated the resignation of Theo Epstein, the only general manager in the last 87 years to bring a world series championship to the city.

Utilizing yellow journalist Dan Shaughnessy, Lucchino employed a vicious smear campaign designed to put the upstart Epstein in his place. Epstein responded by telling the Red Sox to shit in a hat, and, in the process, turned down a $4.5 million contract.

Some tidbits (emphasis added):

"Money and length of the contract were not issues in the past few days for Epstein, who had lobbied hard for an annual salary of more than $1 million a year.

Epstein had come close to agreeing to a deal Saturday evening but had not officially conveyed acceptance of it. On Sunday, he began having serious misgivings about staying on. A leading contributing factor, according to sources close to the situation, was a column in Sunday’s Boston Globe in which too much inside information about the relationship between Epstein and his mentor, team president and CEO Larry Lucchino, was revealed -- in a manner slanted too much in Lucchino’s favor. Epstein, according to these sources, had several reasons to believe Lucchino was a primary source behind the column and came to the realization that if this information were leaked hours before Epstein was going to agree to a new long-term deal, it signaled excessive bad faith between him and Lucchino."

Thank you, Larry Lucchino, for sabotaging the franchise because Theo has a bigger wang and gets more tail than you.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 6:47 PM
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Friday, October 28, 2005

Rome Bans Goldfish Bowls

ROME (Reuters) - The city of Rome has banned goldfish bowls, which animal rights activists say are cruel, and has made regular dog-walks mandatory in the Italian capital, the town's council said Tuesday. Italian animal rights activists hailed the move. "It's about time," Antionette Marici of Empower Fish Now said. "At least in an aquarium, fish have space to hide. There's no privacy in a bowl. Many of these bowl-bound goldfish develope self-esteem issues." Marici recommends rectangular aquariums for goldfish of at least 100 gallon capacity per fish. Alternatively, pet retailers in Rome now offer bowls with tinted glass so the fish can see out but outsiders cannot see in. These tinted bowls provide the privacy necessary for the rearing of well-adjusted goldfish, according to Marici. "Back when goldfish bowls were legal, " Marici added, "thousands of these psychologically tortured creatures would flip themselves out their bowls and die horrible deaths gasping for water on dry carpets or tiled floors."

Last June, Marici was arrested in Rome in a goldfish rescue attempt gone horribly wrong. She broke into an apartment to discover a suicidal goldfish sucking air on the carpet outside its bowl. Marici quickly filled her mouth with tap water and attempted mouth to mouth on the dying fish. Marici has performed hundreds of these maneuvers, but this time she inadvertently sucked the tiny goldfish into her mouth and swallowed it. When asked about the incident by our LLWHQ correspondent, Ms. Marici had no comment but gazed wistfully out the window--a single tear welled up in her eye. Today, thanks to Rome's town council, Marici's tear will not have been shed in vain.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 1:39 PM
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Alien Abductees Prone to False Memories

LONDON (Reuters) - Do you have memories of being abducted by aliens and whisked away in a spaceship?You wouldn't be alone. Several thousand people worldwide claim to have had such close encounters, researchers say. But in a new study, a psychology expert at London's Goldsmiths College says these experiences are proof of the frailty of the human memory, rather than evidence of life in other galaxies.

Morris Clamchow of WhiteCloud, Montana believes the study is flawed. "It's total bullshit. Those English pricks over there don't have any idea what it's like to get a two foot alien probe shoved up their backside. I could barely walk for days. Where do those ass-faced academics get off telling me who did or didn't probe me?"

When informed about Mr. Clamchow's encounter, Josh Braintree, who headed up the Goldsmiths College Alien Abduction Study, replied, "That's gay." When told about Professor Braintree's reply, Mr. Clamchow retorted, "He's gay."

It seems the Alien Abduction phenomenon will remain a mystery for the foreseeable future.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 12:38 PM
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Cheney to Commit Seppuku


LLWHQ News correspondent Dag Hammarsly has uncovered some shocking news. In a show of selfless honor, Vice Asshole Dick Cheney has decided to fall on his sword in an effort to stave off the Plame crisis swirling around the White House. Confidential sources confirmed that Cheney has ordered a large bushido blade and a 3 day trial subscription to Big Jugs to prepare for the event. He's also been seen gorging himself on fried foods and partially hydrogenated snacks for the better part of the last week, clear signs that he is preparing for the inevitable end. Sweatpants and white sneakers are the next logical progression.

Farewell, Dick Cheney, you company man.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 8:30 AM
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Global Warming Melting Obese People at Alarming Rate

Washington, D.C.--It has recently been discovered that global warming, in addition to potentially wreaking havoc on the environment, is assaulting one of America's most precious resources--obese people. Mary Finster of the environmental watchdog group Go Green America described the threat: "Obese people are melting at an alarming rate. This is not theory, this is not hypothesis, this is hard statistical fact and it's happening all around us at a growing rate." To corroborate her claim, Ms. Finster showed our LLWHQ correspondent a recent photograph taken on the streets of Washington, D.C.:

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2005-3/977547/fatman.jpg

"The threat is growing," Ms. Finster said. "Obese people are the engine that drives our entire health care system. Without the obese, the multi-billion dollar fast-food industry would be reeling--how many tens of thousands of people would lose their jobs?"

Some industries are already feeling the sting. Marty Lipshitz, a comedian that works the local D.C. comedy circuit, stated, "It sucks. Fat jokes are my bread and butter. But you try and make a fat joke these days and all you get are boos."

An insider in the Bush Administration has informed LLWHQ that the administration is already starting to take the threat seriously. According to our source, a plan is in place to begin shipping obese people up and down both coasts in refrigerated train cars.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 1:31 PM
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Bravo, Turkey


In a show of irreproachable morality and unflinching dedication to grammatical mores, Turkey has put a stop to the nefarious and destructive letters Q and W. The case was many years in the making, but authorities uncovered evidence that Q and W have wasted countless sums of taxpayer money on scented tobacco, elaborate porcelain hookas, and are behind the notoriously crippling devaluation of the Turkish Lira.

The heroic turkish bureau at Reuters has the gruesome details:

DIYARBAKIR, Turkey (Reuters) -- A Turkish court has fined 20 people for using the letters Q and W on placards at a Kurdish new year celebration, under a law that bans use of characters not in the Turkish alphabet, rights campaigners said.

The court in the southeastern city of Siirt fined each of the 20 people 100 new lira ($75.53) for holding up the placards, written in Kurdish, at the event last year. The letters Q and W do not exist in the Turkish alphabet.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:14 AM
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Sunday, October 23, 2005

Man Accused of Placing Lewd Photos on Cars

WEST BEND, Wis. - A 40-year-old man faces charges accusing him of placing photographs of his genitalia on the cars of women who parked at shopping centers. Wilber E. Phister of West Bend, Wisconsin is charged with eight counts of lewd and lascivious behavior and five counts of disorderly conduct, all misdemeanors. An LLWHQ correspondent caught up with Mr. Phister, who had this to say, "It's a free f'ing country. You use online dating services, I put pictures of my genitalia on the cars of women. Big f'ing deal."

Madeline Gaspar of West Bend , mother of three young children, was surprised to find a photo of Mr. Phister's genitalia on her windshield last Saturday when she returned from grocery shopping. When asked how she felt about the photograph, Ms. Gaspar replied, "Oh, it made me so horny.....soooooo horny."
# :: posted by Swarthington, 8:40 AM
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Friday, October 21, 2005

Astrologer Wrong!

BHOPAL, India (Reuters) - Hundreds of people flocked to a village in central India Thursday to see if an astrologer who forecast his own death would indeed die as predicted. The astrologer, Sanjay Vakimiti, however, lived and he attributed his survival to the prayers of the spectators. Vakimiti told the press, "I don't understand. It's the darnedest thing." This was not the first time that Vakimiti's predictions failed to materialize. Last June, he predicted that every person in Bombay would mail him ten dollars american by the end of the month. He received only thirty dollars and blamed the shortfall on witchcraft. In 2004, Vakimiti predicted that he would seduce and marry Miss India 2004, a woman he had never even met. Once again his prediction fell flat. When asked to explain Miss India's indifference to him, Vakimiti stated, "She's a bitch." The Indian Association of Astrologers is currently considering revoking Vakimiti's license.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 10:03 AM
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The Crucible, Part Deux

Ex-stripper pleads not guilty to fraud

"A Hull woman who worked as a stripper in Boston's Combat Zone pleaded not guilty in Suffolk Superior Court yesterday to charges that she practiced for years as an unlicensed psychologist, according to the office of Attorney General Thomas F. Reilly. Louise Wightman, who was also known as the locally famed 1970's stripper Princess Cheyenne, was indicted earlier this month on the following charges: practicing psychology without a license, six counts of filing false healthcare claims and insurance fraud, and 26 counts of larceny over $250. Wightman allegedly paid $1,299 to receive a doctorate in psychology from Concordia College & University, an online institution based in the republic of Dominica that is not recognized by the state of Massachusetts, said authorities. Wightman formed a practice called South Shore Psychology Associates more than five years ago and has been treating patients since 1998, authorities allege. Wightman was released on personal recognizance. Her trial has been scheduled for Dec. 15."

What they're doing to this woman is a travesty. As Swarthington can attest, 15 minutes with this siren can change your life. Where is the justice? As expected, Ms. Wightman pled not guilty. For some background info on her colorful life, check this out.

A few highlights:

-"Wightman said she came to Boston from Chicago at 18 and applied for a job at the Naked i club in the Combat Zone. She said a savvy club owner dubbed her Princess Cheyenne because of her exotic costumes, and soon Wightman became a Boston celebrity."

-"By the time she was 27, Wightman married, gave up stripping, and moved to a quiet street in Hanover where she worked as an athletic trainer. But she soon resumed stripping at the Foxy Lady, a club in Providence, according to the article. Eventually, she pursued other careers and interests, including counseling."

If that's not the quintessential American success story, I don't know my country anymore.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 9:56 AM
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Thursday, October 20, 2005

sh-sh-Shark!


A smoking hot 20 something surfer was nearly gummed to death in the jaws of a great white Wednesday near Bodega Bay, California.

The great beast was 30 feet long if he was an inch. The sea was angry that day, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli. Luckily, Ms. Halavais was even more pissed, having forgotten to Tivo Gilmore Girls the night before.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 1:57 PM
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

trip down memory lane

For Timmy:





# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 1:20 PM
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Calling all hookers, tramps, and thieves


Is a french quarter without any degenerates still considered a den of iniquity?

Check out this blurb from cnn:

"There were 3,708 licensed retail food establishments in New Orleans when Katrina hit. Fewer than one-third of those, 1,193, have been certified to reopen by the state Department of Health and Hospitals.

Further evidence of the devastating economic impact is found in the state's new data on unemployment claims. The state Department of Labor reports more than 281,000 unemployment filings in the past seven weeks since Katrina hit. That's more than 13 times the normal average for a seven-week period and well in excess of the 193,000 claims filed statewide in all of 2004."

New Orleans is, for the most part, devoid of the party animals required to get it back on its feet. Not to mention, there's a massive shortage of working class housing, so that even if the souses return, there's not enough folks to serve them.

A dire situation, thanks to the political hacks who run the state and the country.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 9:06 AM
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Group Condemns Chicken Choking Toy


SYDNEY, Australia - A chicken toy that squawks and flaps its wings when strangled is "grossly irresponsible" and sends the wrong message to young children, a spokesman for a leading animal welfare group said Tuesday. "Why not let the kids strangle a squash or pummel a rudabaga instead?" a spokesperson for the group asked. When pop icon Michael Jackson was queried about the controversy he stated, "There's nothing wrong with a child choking a chicken. Don't be ignorant. You're being ignorant."
# :: posted by Swarthington, 8:43 AM
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

our nemesis

He thinks it's like this:



But we all know it's more like this:

Buzzkill, there's a special word for people like you: c*ckblockers. Unable to bed the beautiful ladies by yourself, you endeavor to level the playing field by sabotaging all of your rivals. This shall not pass, my friend. Predictably, you have armed yourself for this gun battle with a utility knife from your keychain. Your pedestrian observations are not greatly improved by either the giant horn or the juggling. It's time you looked in the funhouse mirror and vomited at the sight along with the rest of us.

Au revoir, Buzzie. Don't forget your prop trunk.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 2:48 PM
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Brimful of Asha

Despite the pernicious rumors swirling around these parts, I did not spend any portion of my weekend inside the belly of a hungry gator.

I did, however, take a spiritual journey to our friendly sister country, India, in an effort to seek spiritual enlightenment, and to drum up some business for the lounge. (Indians flock to blogs like an Inuit to a baby seal). While there, I reached spiritual nirvana during a visit to the most extraordinary cathedral mine eyes have ever seen. After a weekend of sober reflection, my outlook on life has been changed drastically. No more will the slings and arrows of online enemies disturb the inner peace attained this weekend past. Deep down, we are all good people, and this blog shall recognize that. From this day forward, the lounge will be a place for folks of good will to venture and discuss the pressing issues of the day. Diderot, Voltaire, and Rousseau will be proud of the level of discourse and compassion exhibited in this forum.

To that end, I beseech you to break the manacles of convention, and find your center. With a little help from your friends at the leahy lounge, we can all find some peace.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 9:30 AM
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Friday, October 14, 2005

Clint Eastwood, pussy


Turns out it's not that hard to swim to shore from Alcatraz. That's an emery board in his hand. Pansy.

This discovery served as sweet vindication for thousands of extraterrestrials who've claimed for years that Eastwood was a watered down version of the original rooster. It also represents a moral victory for these same fans whose earlier fantastical claims were recently discredited.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:11 AM
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People...WHAT is the Deal with These Suicide Bombers?


Muhammad was a joker. That's according to the Muslim comedy troupe Allah Made Me Funny, which has been touring the country getting Muslims and non-Muslims to laugh about painful topics such as terrorism and racial profiling. At a show in Detroit, comedian Yusef Ahmed ran onto the stage yelling "Allah is Great" and threw half a dozen rubber grenades into the audience. The crowd briefly panicked, but Ahmed quickly assured them that it was all a gag. Marge Shultz described the scene: "We were terrified, people were trampling each other. But when I realized it was all a joke, I laughed so hard I wet myself. We had a great time."
# :: posted by Swarthington, 11:06 AM
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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Willingham's pop warner offense judged, found lacking

Anyone who's spent any time in my company during the autumnal equinox of the past 3 years knows my feelings regarding the previous coaching staff at my beloved former employer. Lo and behold, the jersey boy with a little swagger and a big appetite has changed the landsape considerably.

Under the tutelage of the master, our young hero has flourished this season, and the team is off to a great start heading into this weekend's clash with the nerd-infested, Potter-loving wasteland in south central.

Some snippets from the Times article:

-The buzz words floating around Quinn this season are confidence and comfort. Much of that comes from the flexibility of Weis's system, which Quinn said allowed him 80 percent more freedom to change and adjust than Willingham's system did last season.
-"Last year," (Joe) Montana said, "that offense put him in a lot of tough spots."
-At times under Willingham, Quinn would line up under center, read the defense and run a play he knew full well would not work. But not being able to adjust at the line prevented him from switching plays.
-"I think I'd be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating," Quinn said. "There were times in certain situations where I realized that someone was going to have to make a play outside of themselves in order to make this work."

The lads may not take home the title this weekend, but only a fool would argue that things aren't looking up these days for the Irish.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 4:21 PM
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Police officers subdue a man on Conti Street near Bourbon Street in the French Quarter of New Orleans Saturday night, Oct. 8, 2005. At least one police officer repeatedly punched the 64-year-old Robert Davis, accused of public intoxication, and another officer assaulted an Associated Press Television News producer as a cameraman taped the confrontations.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 3:18 PM
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Nomar turns the 6-4-3

Nomar Garciappara, be-pecked wonder and object of much attention from the ladies before he met beautiful, delivered a perfectly executed double play last Friday night in Charlestown, home of the largest concentration of armored car thieves in the country. Johnny from Natick describes the heroic act:

"A bunch of us came running over and, sure enough, pulling the two girls out of the water was Nomar. It was crazy,'' O'Hara said. "Nomar was like jumping over walls to get to the girls and the other guy leaped off the balcony! It was unbelievable. They were really nice guys and it was a pretty cool story. I thought someone should know what they did because he's gotten some pretty bum press around here before.''

Garciappara tore his one remaining healthy muscle and will start the 2006 season on the DL.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 8:58 AM
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Loy 1, Civilization 0

I've had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right for the past few days. I attributed this malaise to the foul weather which has wreaked havoc on the region. Little did I know the putrid stench emanated from a massive collection of knobs north of the city.

In a city known infamously for the brutal murders of a few sexy witches and one legendary swinger, news of the gathering drew mixed reactions. One socially adept teenager responded "what's Harry Potter?" when questioned about the conference. While another young man, bedecked in a seersucker suit two sizes too small, let out a falsetto cry of support for the visiting potter-ists while raising his hand in a two finger "victory" sign. "This is literally the biggest thing that's ever happened in this city. I'm on my way home now to strangle a few of the neighborhood cats before I head out to the costume party."

Sales of prophylactics reached an all time low, but the local comic shop enjoyed record profits. Check out this nugget:

"One of Saturday's most popular events was a speech delivered by Henry Jenkins, a professor of literature and comparative media studies at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and author of Converge Culture: Where Old and New Media Collide. Jenkins said that the novels could become fodder for serious academic study. "What's exciting about this is the total fusion of fan and academic discussions," Jenkins said. "That's a breaking down of the walls that hasn't occurred in many other places."

Some poor bastard is paying $40k a year at MIT to listen to this quack.

Make it stop, Jesus. Make it stop.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 4:41 PM
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whither the slut stamp?

In a thoroughly discouraging turn of events for the ink blotted twentysomething masses countrywide, it appears that the fashion industry is moving away from hip huggers:

"Hipbone-hugging styles still dominate mall racks and high school hallways. But the fashion-forward flock is donning pants and jeans that graze the ribcage, as paraded on recent Fashion Week runways. And the rest of us are realizing that pant choice shouldn't have to dictate underwear choice.


Retailers are responding, not just because higher waists are fashionable but also because consumers are demanding them."

Who, exactly, is demanding them? Forty year old non- cougars? Why would the fashionistas deprive us of such catchy slogans as "place your hands here" and "I belong to Earl". Will we forget about flowers and asian characters? Prepare for an onslaught of acid washed mom jeans.

Color me unimpressed. What say you?
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 3:57 PM
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Laura Bush: Sexism Possible in Miers Criticism


First lady Laura Bush joined her husband in defending his nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday and said it was possible some critics were being sexist in their opposition to Harriet Miers.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 1:54 PM
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Monday, October 10, 2005

Sexiest Woman Alive



Jessica Biel has been named Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2005. After questioning by the press, the editors of Esquire admitted grudgingly that none of them has actually had sex with Ms. Biel. Esquire has yet to unveil their Sexiest Dead Woman for 2005. Rumor has it that Bea Arthur is the front runner, although there has been some speculation that Ms. Arthur is, in fact, not yet dead.

# :: posted by Swarthington, 4:23 PM
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He'll tumble for ya

Uber talented songbird Boy George was once again victimized by an out of control element of square society.

George, still smarting from the pain of being left as the odd man out in a bizarre love triangle featuring He Who Shall Remain Nameless, placed a desperate call to police over the weekend. His cry for help was met, predictably, with truncheons and body blows, as the squares rained fury over the lifeless, yet beautifully serene body.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:18 AM
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Friday, October 07, 2005

Pale Skin...lots of it.

In an effort to drag Brittania out of the Dark Ages and into the warm, glowing light of the sexual revolution, Whitehall made a shocking announcement today. The list of exhibits is to include a primer on the queen's patented white gloved heater, also known as the "Royal Cigarette Machine".



Sadly, plans to build an exhibit exploring Prince Charles' fantasy to live inside a woman's trousers as a tampon were scrapped due to budgetary concerns. The exhibit was to feature a 22" reproduction of Stonehendge, made entirely of super absorbent cotton swabs.

I think we can all agree that this is a courageous step towards an overall examination of hygiene, diet, exercise, and fashion, which has been ignored for far too long in this otherwise pleasant country. One East End resident was overheard to say "It's about time these daft birds learned how to give a proper heater, tis a damn long walk to Buckingham Palace, and the line is 3 deep by sunrise."
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 12:34 PM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Greetings all.

If you've grown weary of the insufferable nature of the solipsistic blogosphere, this is the place for you.

Sit back, scratch your itchy areas, and prepare to be dazzled with feats of derring do, banal chatter, and thoroughly non utilitarian discussions about rare lint balls and hot political wives.

More to come.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 8:37 PM
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