The Leahy Lounge

Polls Fear Revealing Existence of Shadow Party Candidacy

2008-09-25T10:09:00.003-04:00

Though pollsters have thus far been too frightened to even acknowledge the existence of the Halliburton/Cheney Shadow Party ticket, unnamed sources close to the cabal, the existence of which is thus far completely unconfirmed, have revealed that should such a ticket exist, it might or might not be currently making a very strong showing among the Illuminati, who themselves may or may not exist.

Army Corps of Engineers Begins Repair of Nation's Glass Ceiling

2008-09-16T12:10:00.005-04:00

Though Hillary Clinton's campaign for the nation's highest office did not deal the city of Washington, DC a direct hit during the primary season of 2008, her storm surge nearly precipitated catastrophic failure of the nation's glass ceiling. The ceiling sustained damage in approximately 18 million places. Responsibility for the nation's fem protection design and engineering belongs by federal mandate to the US Army Corps of Engineers, which today began shoring up the ceiling and exploring ways to strengthen it against future damage. Corps spokesman Nathan Fretbottom assured a shaken nation that the ceiling is sound, and that the Corps is exploring materials that will withstand future damage better than the current glass structure.

Democrats Fear Loss of White Power Vote

2008-06-11T11:56:00.003-04:00

With Saturday's tardy concession from great white hope Hillary Clinton, the Democrats are faced with the daunting task of retaining the favor of strong white power voting blocks in the South and the Midwest. Inside sources reveal that plans are in the works to recruit a strong white number two for the ticket. Possible choices include David Duke and Eric Rudolph. "Both test well with the vitally important white trash demographic that makes up much of the South and Midwest," explained DNC Chairman Howard Dean, "and the coloreds are so happy to have Obama on the ticket that they won't shy away from a strong number two".

Popular Radio Duo Pounder and Dangle Murdered on Air

2008-05-21T13:20:00.004-04:00

Morning radio shock jocks William Pound and Joseph Dangle, better known to their fans as "Pounder & Dangle", were found murdered in their radio booth following their morning radio show on Wednesday. While motive remains unclear, what is clear is that what the audience perceived to be a "bit" on Wednesday's show was, in fact, the two hosts being brutally murdered while their audience laughed along. Super fan Jill "Sistard" Richardson said that she assumed that the forty minutes of Pound and Dangle pleading for their lives, followed by repeated cries of "Oh God, you're killing us! Why? Why are you brutally murdering us? Why won't anyone help? Someone please call the police!" was "some sort of gag". "I usually find them really funny, what with all the fart jokes and funny voices, but I thought that this bit was dragging on for too long and I changed the station" admits a sheepish Richardson.

Hey Folks, It's National Ride Your Bike to God Day!

2008-05-16T16:24:00.007-04:00

Swarthington just misses God and
plummets to his death.

Better luck next year!

Boy Takes Off Jersey

2008-05-06T15:37:00.006-04:00

David Witthoft, the youngster who had been wearing the same Brett Favre jersey every day for more than four years, has finally taken it off.

Chris Hansen of NBC's 'To Catch A Predator' presided over the event and several middle aged men carrying six-packs of beer were arrested.

Leahy's True Identity Revealed

2008-04-30T16:25:00.004-04:00

The identity of Coach Leahy, famed proprietor of the 'The Leahy Lounge' blog, has finally been revealed: Josef Fritzl, 73, of Amstetten, Austria. Coach 'Fritzl' Leahy was discovered by police blogging in his basement along with his daughter and several grandchildren. In Austria, blogging below ground in a secured space can carry heavy fines and a maximum seven days in prison.

Fritzl appeared nonchalant about his discovery. "Eh, it was bound to happen sooner or later," he chirped. "Considering all the clues I left in blog postings throughout the years, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner." He added, "Just hope the clever boy who identified me can't also piece together the clues to my buried chest of gold. Hint...reread all the Shatner postings and commentary veeeeery carefully."

Coroner: Diana and boyfriend "had it coming"

2008-04-08T15:23:00.004-04:00

LONDON (AP) — A coroner's jury has ruled that Princess Diana and boyfriend Dodi Fayed "got what they deserved" when they were killed through the heroic actions of their driver and the paparazzi in 1997. The jury had been told that a verdict of "just desserts" would mean that they believed the snooty couple were asking for it on that fateful Paris night. It was the most snarky verdict available to them Monday.

The couple got their due when their speeding car slammed into a concrete pillar while it was being chased by photographers in cars and on motorbikes. The jury added that the fact that Diana and Dodi were not wearing seatbelts was the icing on top of the cake.

During the reading of the verdict, the jury foreman used air quotes and a sarcastic tone when referring to Diana as "her highness" and "the princess" on no less than nine occasions.

New Lounge Character!!!

2008-03-22T15:09:00.005-04:00

I am pleased to announce the newest Lounge character--my (Swarthington's) imaginary retarded girlfriend 'Deb-Deb'. Painstakingly crafted over a period of fourteen months, 'Deb-Deb' is a delightful amalgam of past girlfriends, sights, sounds and smells recollected from a summer spent cleaning cages at the Cincinnati Zoo ape house as well as nuggets unearthed from my reactive mind during bi-weekly scientology auditing sessions with Waldo, my mentor, a Level 5 Operational Thetan with a wicked squash game.

'Deb-Deb' has been tested and retested extensively on focus groups representing diverse market segments. Her bugs have been fixed, her personality and character traits have been tweaked to ensure maximum impact. A polished gem, I now present to the Leahy Lounge audience 'Deb-Deb', my imaginary retarded girlfriend!

Stay tuned....

SPITZER RAPES GYGAX CORPSE!!!

2008-03-13T14:07:00.006-04:00

Fresh off the call-girl scandal that cost him his governorship, Eliot Spitzer was caught last night raping the corpse of Ernest Gary Gygax, co-creator of 'Dungeons & Dragons' and father of the role-playing game. Authorities were tipped off by a bank employee after a mysterious transfer of funds from a Spitzer account for the purchase of "several hundred lemons".

"I went over that sad ass fairy like a f***ing steamroller!" Spitzer chortled. Relatives of Gygax were saddened but not surprised by the news. Spitzer's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, looked resigned at a late afternoon press conference. If the incident were ever to go to trial, it is anticipated that Spitzer's attorney, Michele Hirshman, would use the 'traditional raping of the corpse' defense.

O Captain! My Captain!

2008-03-05T17:27:00.004-05:00

Ernest Gary Gygax, co-creator of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, died Tuesday morning of an abdominal aortic aneurysm at the age of 69. The Lounge's weekly D&D game is hereby suspended for the entire month of March while Board members properly express their grief. Naturally, Coach's 6th level halfling cleric/thief SheBangMe remains entitled to level-up to 7th level when play resumes. Champion's dwarf fighter BuckBalz the Intrepid, Master of the Hill Country, however, will still have to return the Goblet of Glee he stole from Prince GasBottom.

Where Are They Now: Trapped Utah Miners

2008-02-21T21:00:00.002-05:00

Alright Loungers, it's time to hop into the wayback machine and set the controls for the heart of 2007. Do you remember where you were when you heard that there were six miners trapped in a Utah mine? I do; I was watching a documentary about the Kennedy assassination when the Coach strolled in an said that there were "some jokers trapped in a mine somewhere, probably illegals". Like the rest of the nation, I was caught up in trapped miner fever for nearly two weeks. Those guys were everywhere. Well, technically they were nowhere but trapped in a mine in Utah, but news of them was everywhere. Honestly, I got pretty bored with them after about a week and a half and kind of lost track of them, so while I don't actually know where they are right now, I assume that they've either been rescued or are still patiently waiting for their inevitable rescue.

Suddenly Time To Say Goodbye

2008-02-13T21:56:00.001-05:00

BREAKING NEWS: Beloved contributor Bootney Goldstein passed away last night as a result of complications arising from Adult Onset Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (AOSIDS), which he had been struggling with for some time."I can't say I didn't see it coming" mused a befuddled and shaken Swarthington, "all the signs were there".

Writer's Strike Over, Lounge Free to Resume with the Nonsense

2008-02-12T15:11:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-20T13:44:00.000-05:00

To comply with contractual obligations, the Lounge wishes you a merry and fulfilling holiday season. We will return to our normal programming momentarily.

Major announcement in the near future!

2006-11-21T18:21:00.000-05:00

Stay tuned for more.

2006-10-05T03:05:00.000-04:00

Foley IMs Dramatized

The Bombshells Just Keep Coming

2006-10-04T11:50:00.000-04:00

Former Congressman Mark Foley's attorney has just revealed that he's GAY! Holy shit!!! He may have a free pass as far as preying on underaged male Congressional pages; those notorious prickteases were probably asking for it, but GAY? That's going a bit too far. A Vatican spokesperson has answered Foley's latest confession with a brief, but pointed, "see you in hell".

"I've Got the Golden Ticket"

2006-10-04T10:21:00.000-04:00

A Lawyer for disgraced congressman and part-time pedophile Mark Foley revealed Tuesday that Foley had been molested as a teen by a member of the clergy. In a written statement Foley said "So, I've got a free pass. It's the most wonderful gift a priest can give a boy". The Catholic Church responded with a terse "leave us the fuck out of it".

Foley Bombshell!

2006-10-03T18:33:00.000-04:00

Disgraced former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla) has tearfully admitted that, though still on the roles as a Republican, he has been harboring an "inner-Democrat". "Please do not judge my former party too harshly" pleaded Foley by phone on Tuesday; "In my heart I have been a Democrat for some time now." House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill) stated "He's not with us. If you let this prejudice you against the Republicans in the upcoming elections, your entire family and everyone you know will likely be killed by terrorists. It's that simple." President Bush, who had earlier called Foley's actions "totally hot", corrected himself by saying that they were actually "totally gay".

Nap Over, or How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2006-09-25T23:36:00.000-04:00

Dreams of fire and water, always dreams of fire and water...anyways, here is an update on how the Leahy Lounge board of directors spent their summer:

CHAMPION SOUND: My untimely death and the ascendancy (and subsequent death) of my "son" Chip threw the ownership and management of the Lounge into complete and utter chaos. After a protracted legal battle over my estate, a German shipping company by the name of Weinerglobben entered into an agreement in principal to purchase my ownership interest in the Lounge, which would give it control over day to day management. This was not a good thing, as Weinerglobben was purchasing the Lounge in order to convert it into a website that celebrated Chip as some kind of kitchy, Judy Garland type character. The only thing saving the Lounge from this gayest of fates was a right of first refusal option granted to Champion Sound allowing him to purchase the shares at a one time price of one cent per share. Unfortunately, I owned over one trillion shares at the time of my death and Champion Sound was broke. Having watched too many movies from the 1980s, CS decided the best way for him to earn enough money to purchase the shares was to put on a play with a bunch of local school children. Unfortunately, the play, which attempted to answer the question "What if instead of having a mustache, Hitler had a goatee?" did not earn CS enough money to buy the interests. Then CS started to cry and the Germans felt sorry for him and let him keep the shares for free, because Germans are nice like that (see WWs I and II).

PROFESSOR ELI: Professor Eli decided to spend the summer at his cabin in West Virginia in order to find himself. And oh boy, did he. It turns out that Professor Eli is a lady. Needless to say, Professor She-li spent the summer staring at a mirror shouting "Hooray! I have Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!".

SWARTHINGTON: Much like Champion Sound, Swarthington decided to dedicate himself to the fine arts this summer. His sitcom adaptation of My Dinner with Andre with an all chimpanzee cast was the surprise hit of the summer.

BA MARGOLIOUS: Most of my summer was spent in the blissfulness of heaven. What is heaven like? Let me try to compare it to something you might experience on earth. have you ever been standing on a street corner when a stranger comes up to you, gently puts there hand on your cheek and gives you a knowing smile, as if they are channeling the spirit of a loved one long past through there eyes? No? I guess that would be kind of creepy if it did happen. Anyways, heaven is pretty cool. It's hot and there were more lakes of fire than I expected, but all in all it was pretty nice. My blissfulness, however, ended last week.

COACH LEAHY: The Coach spent his summer ending my blissful existence in heaven. In an adventure that can best be described as a cross between "Ghost" and "Tron", Coach entered the afterlife and brought me back to the land of the living. Why did the Coach do this? Apparently, Coach thought that after I died, I had gone to hell. I don't know how he could have gotten that idea. When I asked him about it, he mumbled that he just assumed i did, based on the way I acted and treated people. Whatever. Anyways, that's what we've been up to. But more importantly, how have YOU been?

Pope Been a Dick?

2006-09-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

What better way to prove how non-violent you are than to shoot a 65 year old nun in the back? Brilliant. I think that it's safe to say that Pope Benedict has been owned.

Tough Times Ahead for Michigan.

2006-09-15T17:10:00.000-04:00

Look at him. So happy and carefree when nobody is looking. Coincidence? I think not. Just as Michigan J. Frog tripped the light fantastic in an empty theater, so too have Llloyd Carr's hordes dazzled in anonymity against the likes of [insert directional state university] and Vanderbilt. But now the audience is filing in and tv crews are busy triangulating satellites and plugging in cameras and lights. What will happen to buxom Llloyd and Michigan when the red light flashes on the air?

My prediction: Fear. Followed by vomiting, diarrhea, sleeplessness and general irritability. And a long ride home to Ann Arbor (she owes money all over town).

Irish, 28-20.

It's a Celebration!

2006-09-14T21:17:00.000-04:00

It was 20 years ago today.... Coach Leahy taught the band to play...

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of the first post on the Leahy Lounge blog. The world was a very different place back then. How was it different, you ask? Christ, I'm not an encyclopedia. Take my word for it, it was different in ways that your tiny brain can't even begin to comprehend. Search "1986" on wikipedia and you'll see, you lazy fuck.

Wait a second. The Lounge isn't 20 years old. That would be impossible. There was no such thing as an "internet" or a "blog" twenty years ago. And considering I spent most of the '80s prosecuting a slander lawsuit against Merv Griffin that was so frivolous even a reactionary old man like myself knew it was ridiculous, I would not have had time to post my daily ramblings on some web diary. The Lounge is one year old. That's it.

The board of directors of the Leahy lounge has decided to celebrate the one year anniversary of the lounge by returning to business as usual. As some of you know, the Lounge is required by law to close during the summer so that the city health department can remove the excess rat carcasses. Even so, it has been quite a busy summer for the members of the board. Our actions and words this summer will continue to impact our world and way of life for generations. "How"? you may ask. Settle down jackals. I have been writing for two straight days. I will tell you what we have all been up to in due time. As for right now, I need a nap.

Back by Popular Demand

2006-09-09T14:53:00.000-04:00

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it popular, but at least one freak has emailed a request. Due to the cosmopolitan nature of the Lounge, it was inevitable that our friends in Europe would invite us to celebrate.

That's right, boys and girls, hold on to your seats and break out your air sickness bags, it's the (near) Second Annual Leahy Lounge Lemon Party! - live from an undisclosed location in Brittania.

Not for the faint of heart.

2006-07-26T12:30:00.000-04:00

Israeli Police Attack Gaza Power Station

2006-06-28T09:40:00.000-04:00

In a climate of escalating tensions between the Israeli government and residents of the famed Gaza Strip, Israeli Police have struck at the heart of the Palestinian entertainment industry; wildly popular rock group Gaza Power Station. Though Gaza Power Station dropped off American radio following their smash hit Some Like it Halal, they have scored countless hits in their homeland since then. "Gaza Power Station is an institution in this part of the world" said spokesperson Abbud Muhammed; "For the Israelis to attack them in this manner is inexcusable". Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas called the Israeli attack a "crime against humanity." Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert offered no comment about the incident.

Pentagon Unveils New Counter-Terrorism Strategy

2006-06-22T10:21:00.000-04:00

In the face of renewed violence in Afghanistan and ever increasing resistance to the American occupation of Iraq, the Pentagon has unveiled a new strategy of condescension and patronization. Pentagon spokesman General Warren "Sparky" Moncrief explained: "We have tried pacification, liberation and extreme violence, all to no avail. The only thing left is to do our best to make them feel like dicks." In pursuit of this new policy, the Pentagon's official response to the recent abduction and murder of two US servicemen in Iraq, purportedly personally executed by the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, was a terse "Good for you! We're really impressed. You showed us!". "In addition to patronizing and condescending, we are experimenting with injecting various levels of sarcasm into our statements" Moncrief revealed, "We think that it has been highly effective so far". To substantiate this claim, Moncrief pointed to a recent posting on an Al Qeada in Iraq website that exhibited a sense of confusion in the face of this new tactic. The post read, in part; "Thank you, we were really proud of this one. We felt that having our new leader execute these two was...wait a second...are you messing with us, or are you serious?". In addition to public statements, the Pentagon has been waging a small scale cyber-guerilla campaign on insurgent message boards, peppering posts with inexplicable ROTFLs, LMAOs, LOLs and SRSLYs. "It breaks their concentration when they encounter a LMAO and they are left wondering exactly what the poster is Ling their AO about" explained Moncrief, "And confusion breeds doubt about their ultimate mission, and that gives us an edge".

An Open Letter to Jazz

2006-06-21T09:56:00.000-04:00

First off, let me say how much all of us appreciate your continued support. You've stuck with us through the lean times and that really means something to us. That being said, your recent posts referencing Laura Brannigan's 1982 hit Gloria, while informative, have unfortunately resulted in myself and other Loungers being afflicted with a condition commonly known as Glorianna. Wikipedia defines Glorianna as "A condition characterized by the constant unwanted repetition of Laura Brannigan's 1982 platinum hit Gloria in one's head". All good and well; here's the part that concerns me: "Glorianna commonly results in damage to the nervous system, heart, or brain. Untreated Glorianna can be fatal". Fatal??!!! Jesus, man, you've got to do something to save us! I'm just throwing out ideas here, but perhaps a comment about Steve Perry's Oh Sherry! could dislodge the insidious Gloria from our collective skull. It's worth a try.
Love,
The Lounge

Leahy Blindsides Loy

2006-06-19T15:08:00.000-04:00

I Apologize

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

Heather, Sir Paul, I think that you already know why I called you here today. I recently got wind of your separation and imminent divorce and I was completely floored. If a quarter of the Beatles and three quarters of a woman can't make it in this crazy world, then I don't know who can. Together, you are a whole person. Apart, you are less than nothing. I am truly disappointed. No, not in you, but in me. I know that I probably don't technically qualify as a member of the press (though recent judicial decisions could change that), but I am truly sorry to be the reason for your split. Oh God, I'm so, so, so, so sorry. I had no idea that I was putting that kind of strain on your relationship. If I promise to back off could you try to make a go of it? Seriously, I will respect the hell out of your privacy this time around. It'll be different this time, I swear.

More Schiavo! Lyrics

2006-05-31T12:55:00.000-04:00

As promised, I am uploading new lyrics as I find them. The late Chip's (God rest his soul) room is a disgusting mess and the lyrics are scattered every which way but loose; a line in a notebook here, a chorus in a gym sock there. I should get a goddamn award just for touching that disgusting pig's (God rest his soul) vile leavings.

Michael's Theme
Are you slee-ping?
I think that you're eating too much
I'm still see-ing
a woman who's too fat to touch
I'll be wai-ting
by your bed when you open your eyes
But I'm still ha-ting
the enormous girth of your thighs

You said that the diet'd be a crash
that you'd get back to a more human size
Excuse me for sounding so brash
but I'm beginning to hope that you'll die

Can you hear me?
or are your ears too covered in fat?
Why can't you see
that I'm not going to be happy with that?
Are you still eating?
What is in that tube in your arm?
I'd say that's cheating
on this diet that's done you no harm

You said that the diet'd be a crash
that you'd get back to a more human size
Excuse me for sounding so brash
but I'm beginning to hope that you'll die

Schiavo! The Musical! The Lyrics!

2006-05-24T11:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know that everyone has been waiting breathlessly for the rest of Chip's meisterwerk, Schiavo! The Musical!, lo these many weeks, but things have been busy around the Lounge and the only copy was misplaced for a week or two, so it's taken us a while to get it together and up on the blog. Enough grovelling; I don't need your approval. The entire staff loves me. I don't need your love. I would say "I hope that you enjoy it", but I am clearly as cool as a cucumber when it comes to your affections, gentle reader. Did I mention that I don't need your approval? Yes? Okay then, without further ado, some lyrics from Schiavo! The Musical!

Lonely Mylar Balloon

Look at me, floating here
not a care in the world
I am a lonely mylar balloon
floating next to this girl

my surface is shiny and wrinkled
like that of a baby's butt
it reflects the open-mouthed stare of this woman
who appears to be in some kind of rut

I could have given some child great joy
or been inscribed "it's a boy!"
but instead I am batting the face of this gal
whose lips are so dry and face is so pale

who is this woman smiling at me?
she looks so hungry and sad!
who is this woman, mouth agape
whose dieting was no mere fad?

Terri's Theme (for Michael)

Look at me, lying here
I'm not who I used to be
if you'll just lean close and lend me an ear
I'll sing you the story of me

Michael can you hear me?
my wishes are clear as a bell
oh Michael, why can't you see
I'm not empty inside of this shell?

I thought that my life was so over
when God chose to damage my brain
now I'm not quite so bright as a gopher
but I'll probably get better again

Oh, Michael what's the hurry?
How long is too long to wait?
Michael don't you worry
I'll beat this vegetative state

Theme To Shiavo! The Musical!

CHORUS OF PROTESTORS:
Tonight is the night (oh yea)
It's really gonna be the night (big time)
Tonight is the night (shit yeah)
We're doin' it all for you (oh yeah, hell yea, oh yea)

It's not the will of Michael or the Florida courts
Or even the Media, that likes to contort
Tonight is the night, oh Terrrrrrrrrri
We feed you!

YOUNG CHILD:
oh take this food oh Terri
it is just a mere morsel, a crumb
it may not be enough to restore your health
but it’s better than chewing your thumb
(Police descend on the child and beat him senseless)

CHORUS OF PROTESTORS:
Oh tonight is the night, oh Terri
not a time for groaning or drool
tonight is the night, we do God's bidding
and show that Christians rule

Spinning in the Lounge this Week:

2006-04-25T18:03:00.000-04:00

The Free Design Heaven/Earth
G.G. Allin Brutality and Bloodshed for All
Patrick MacNee & Honor Blackman Kinky Boots
Venom At War with Satan
Abba Super Trouper
The Meatmen War of the Superbikes
Captain Beyond Sufficiently Breathless
The Mentors Get up & Die
Carpenters Horizon
Witchfinder General Friends of Hell

Rough Draft (Not for Circulation)

2006-04-21T11:13:00.000-04:00

In a recent spate of spring cleaning here at the Lounge, a document was unearthed that we feel must be made public; Chip Margolious' unfinished script for Schiavo! The Musical. While we feel that the bulk of this document is remarkable, it definitely needs a bit of editing to hammer it into shape. Chip originally conceived this work as "the world's first all singing, all dancing, all cat musical", but after a brutal audition process that left Chip emotionally and physically scarred, and after being repeatedly reminded by B.A. that it was possibly the stupidest idea ever, the cat part was dropped. What's left is a hash of dialogue and songs that has the potential for greatness, though it exhibits no actual greatness at this stage. We have decided to post Chip's work in its current form and encourage constructive criticism from our readership. Without further ado, we present part I of Chip Margolious' Schiavo! The Musical:

Act I
Scene I
The curtain opens on the Schiavos' bedroom. It is early evening and the couple are chatting as they prepare for an evening out with friends.

TERRI: Do you think that I look fat in this dress?

MICHAEL: Yes.

TERRI: Really? I thought that I looked good in it. Maybe I need to go on a diet.

MICHAEL: It couldn't hurt, fatty.

TERRI: (smiling) Michael! You are so wicked sometimes!

MICHAEL (with a devilish grin) Alls I'm saying is that if I wrote a personal ad, I would end it with "No yous".

TERRI: Michael! You are incorrigible! (thoughtfully) But seriously, do you think that I should go on a dangerous crash diet and risk ending up in a lingering coma?

MICHAEL: Seriously? It's worth a shot.

TERRI: If such a thing happened, you know, if I actually ended up in a coma, you wouldn't pull the plug on me, would you?

MICHAEL: Let me think about it.

TERRI: (laughing) Oh, you!

The two exit the room. A robot emerges from the closet.

FEMBOT 3000: Seeing those two together is enough to make my circuits cry for joy. If I had human emotions, I would long for a love as true as theirs.

(stage lights dim)

One More Thing...

2006-04-12T11:00:00.000-04:00

You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon!

Babylon's Burning

2006-03-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

Echoing a scene from the student uprising of 1968, or the Muslim uprising of 2005, Paris is once again burning. The current riots, sparked by legislation that would allow employers to fire recent graduates without grounds during their first two years of employment, are equal parts student protest and mob violence. Protests turned violent when inhabitants of Paris' poorer suburbs decided to crash the overprivileged students' party. "We are unemployed and uneducated and these sallies are protesting over the mere possibility of being fired from their cushy jobs?" railed one rioteer "I will personally kick every one of them in their undersized genitals." Bystander reactions were mixed. "This bores me" commented one Parisian between puffs on a cigarette; "I am bored." Another Parisian mimed outrage at a charred Peugeot, presumably his own. The riots are expected to end just in time for the Fall Labor Riot season.

Japanese Develop Robot Nurse

2006-03-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

Faced with an increasing population of elderly who are not quite a venerated as in days of yore, the Japanese are currently testing humanoid robots whom they can foist such responsibilities upon. Shun Yamashita, head of robotics at NEC, claimed that the company is developing a robot nurse who can "deliver care with a human touch." The robot in question, a towering white humanoid with piercing black eyes, has been programmed to assist elderly patients with such basic tasks as getting out of bed, walking and eating; all with a smile-like grimace on it's face-like central processing unit. The Japanese public has been captivated by the nurse-bot, who has been nicknamed Chiaki. "How will I have sex with it?" inquired one curious consumer. "Where will I be able to buy its panties?" asked another. Yamashita has assured the anxious public that Chiaki will be "fully fetish-capable", and will serve the needs of both patient and pervert alike.

Oops, We Did It Again

2006-03-07T15:59:00.000-05:00

From time to time, we here at the Lounge publish a story that does not live up to the stringent editorial standards that we have set for ourselves. Sure, it's easy to point fingers after the fact and say "This editorial board didn't fact check, or even read, a certain Hollywood reporter's submission" or "That Hollywood reporter accidentally submitted his Michael J. Fox fan fiction instead of his actual article", but that's just playing the blame game and we here at the Lounge aren't going to play the blame game. Let's just say that no one is to blame and everyone is to blame. Unfortunately, under the Leahy Lounge bylaws, we are forbidden from printing a formal retraction, correcting erroneous facts, or even acknowledging that a mistake has been made; and let's be absolutely clear here, one hasn't. However, in order to address the literally hundreds of emails and letters we have gotten, we will state that there is, in fact, no such thing as a drug sandwich. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Celebrity Dish: Michael J. Fix

2006-03-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Which 80s TV and film star's career has hit the skids because of a
decade-long addiction to drugs? None other than Marty McHigh himself, Michael J. Fox! Rumor has it that the only J. this Michael enjoys these days is a "J"oint. Fans first started noticing the erratic behavior of this 80s teen heartthrob during his star-making turn on Family Ties (more like "Family Highs"!), where Michael starred as Alex P. Keaton, the Republican son of hippie parents. Inside sources from the (cleaning) crew on the set said that Mr. Fox was so obsessed with being high all the time that he required a specially made "drug sandwich" every day for lunch. Towards the end of the run, years of drug consumption began to affect Mr. Fox's onscreen performance. His obsessive hand-through-the-hair brooding and plaintive voice-cracked cries of "Mallory" may have seemed like the height of hijinkery to us, but how could we have known that they were actually a cry for help from a tweaked-out drugger?

Since the 80s, Mr. Fox has kept a relatively low profile while he has battled his demons (with little success, I might add). He scored a brief comeback in the late 90s with Spin City, but it was clear from watching the program that even a few seconds on screen, away from his sweet, precious drugs, were enough to induce the withdrawal shakes in this human drug cigarette. Relegated to doing voiceover work, where no one could see the constant tremors of withdrawal, Mr. Fox voiced the title role in the movie Stuart Little (Big Surprise! A movie about a tiny talking mouse appealed to this drugged-out king of drugland!). Over the last few years, Mr. Fox has receded from the spotlight, only doing an occasional interview or testifying before congress about the evils of drug use, which Mr. Fox euphemistically refers to as "Parkinson's Disease" (I'd wager that Mr. Parkinson is the pizza delivery boy who delivers to Fox and his stoner friends at 3am on a Friday night, when they are baked out of their minds watching Tommy Boy and playing NBA Live 2006! Either that, or his dealer!).

What's next for Michael J. Fox? Rumor has it that he is working on a special "Drug Pillow" which will enable him to get high even while he sleeps.

Dispatches from Heaven

2006-02-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Hello Lounge readers. It has been approximately three months since I was decapitated by that sexy samurai Yoshimi, and I figured since I am able to communicate from the afterlife I would answer some of questions that have puzzled philosophers for centuries.

1. How are you BA?
- Eh.

2. How are your feet?
- they hurt. You would think heaven would sell the same special orthopedic shoes i used to wear when i was alive. You would be wrong.

3. what is heaven like?
- it is alot different than you would expect. More fire and brimstone. and little angels in red poking you with pitchforks.

4. Have you seen Chip?
- I have that bastard's address. He will get his. He just doesnt know it yet.

5. What are you doing?
- well i am finishing a script i started when i was alive. it is a comedy about that fire at the Great White concert in Rhode Island a few years ago. After that, i am going to kill chip or destroy whatever corporeal form he has taken in the afterlife. he and I aren't done by a long shot.

Remains Found in La Brea Tar Pits

2006-02-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

"Totally weird" is how gift shop clerk Trey Aukerman described his discovery Sunday at California's La Brea Tar Pits. What Aukerman stumbled upon was a fully preserved, but seemingly frozen, family of Mastodons; one adult mired in the tar while another adult and a baby helplessly looked on. "I was just walking along on my way to lunch and I looked up and saw them. I nearly shat myself" reported a shell-shocked Aukerman; "I had no idea those animals lived here. I shudder to think what, or who they've been eating." "Still", continued the befuddled clerk, "it was kind of sad to see them like that. I remember when my father got stuck in the tar. It was horrible." When asked to comment, gift shop manager Franklin Drinkwater would only say "The boy's got problems. Don't get me wrong, he's a good kid, but this whole story is preposterous. Whole family's borderline retarded." While thousands of Los Angelinos are trapped in the warm inviting tar each year in search of the bus stop or shopping mall, Page Museum Director Charles Plumworthy discounts the notion that the same fate could befall the noble Mastodon; "These are very intelligent creatures that we are talking about and I find it hard to believe that they would just stumble into the tar."

Cheney Shoots First, Asks Questions Later

2006-02-13T10:10:00.000-05:00

Vice President Dick Cheney shot a man Saturday; some witnesses claim that it was "for snoring too loud" and others "just to watch him die." What is clear, is that 78 year old Harry Whittington will think twice before questioning the policies of the Bush administration in the future. Whittington, an Austin attorney, awoke Saturday morning with a severed horse head in his bed after casually questioning the constitutionality of secret wiretaps ordered by the White House. Witnesses report that Whittington continued to "get lippy" with the Vice President at breakfast that morning. After repeatedly referring to Cheney as "Chee-nee" on Saturday's quail hunting excursion, the Vice President accused Whittington of being "a wise guy" and advised him that if he knew what was good for him he would "button his lip." Whittington replied "Have it your way, Chee-nee", at which point the Vice President shot him in the face. According to witnesses, Cheney then stood over the victim and asked "how do you like me now?" Whittington's response, if any, was not reported.

Muslim Cartoon Protests Continue

2006-02-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

Chants of "God is great" rang out in Muslim cities all over the world again Thursday as the cartoon protests continued for yet another day. "These cartoons are deeply insulting to me, both as a Muslim and as a human being" said Afghan demonstrator Mulwi Sayed Imam Mutawali; "They are not funny, nor have they ever been funny. I find the cartoons depicting the dead grandfather particularly offensive." It's not clear why Bill Keane's long running Family Circus has offended Muslims in particular, but it has clearly touched a nerve where it once merely caused bored disinterest. "I would love to say that he's just been coasting lately, but the truth is that the cartoon has never been funny" said a spokesman for King Features Syndicate, who wished to remain anonymous; "Frankly, we're surprised that no one has objected to the cartoon's banality and sickly sweet sentiment before now." In addition to the repeated appearance of the dead grandfather, Muslim protestors pointed to countless instances of cartoons depicting Billy's path home, the "Not me" character and cloying mispronunciations by Billy, Dolly and Jeffy as fuel for their outrage.

Spears Throws Baby in Fire to Protect from Croup

2006-02-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

Former diva and future Springer guest Britney Spears, who was recently spotted driving with son Sean Preston safely in her lap, instead of in his car seat, explained that because of an encounter with the paparazzi she had instinctively taken measures to get her baby and herself out of harm's way. "I love my child and would do anything to protect him" vowed Spears, "Anything, including putting him in mortal peril."

"I Too Also Have Had A Dream"; The Legacy of Chester Washington

2006-02-07T11:17:00.000-05:00

With the recent death of Coretta Scott King, wife of the late Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. and civil rights icon in her own right, the civil rights movement is scrambling to find a new leader, one who doesn't negotiate with terrorists (sorry Jesse). Murmurs and rumors have lately centered around one man; Chester Washington, AKA "the lost hero of the civil rights movement". Washington, whose popularity waned after King rose to prominence, is poised to once again steal back the heavyweight title of civil rights activism. Washington's path back to the top of "the game" has been a long and troubled one. Blunder followed misstep when, after losing a preach-off with King in late 1962, Washington followed King's legendary "I Have a Dream" speech with his own rambling "I Too Also Have Had a Dream". Grammatical errors aside, the speech was a confused jumble of horrifying black power rhetoric ("...little black children choking little white children until their eyes pop out of their pale little faces...") and disjointed Felliniesq dream imagery ("...I was standing on a hillside, but I was looking at myself, it was me, but it wasn't me. You know what I mean.") that stupefied and alienated all but his most ardent supporters. Washington himself admits that the speech was a huge mistake; "I don't even know what I was going for with that one. There was a lot of pressure to do an 'answer back' speech and I was coming up dry. I mostly winged that one and, obviously, it shows." Washington followed up with an even bigger failure of a speech, "Hey, I Had Another Dream Last Night", which mentioned both "...dancing unicorns trampling white babies" and "nasty little hobbitses". "I was reading a lot of Tolkien at the time...oh, and also sniffing a lot of glue" explains Washington. Ironically, by the time the Black Power movement gained momentum in the late '60s Washington had made an abrupt about-face and was preaching non-violence; his "I Had Another Dream, One in which the White People are not Killed or Maimed" speech of 1968 is hardly even worthy of mention. "Huey Newton was calling me an Uncle Tom! Me, the guy who preached about feeding white babies to trolls! Un-fucking-believable!" ranted Washington. When asked what he planned on doing differently this time around, Washington replied "I don't think that I'm going to give any more speeches. I just don't think they're my thing."

Leahy Shifts Shape, Eludes Federal Agents

2006-02-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

In a move calculated to titilate Leahy Lounge regulars, Coach Leahy recently turned into a red panda and once again escaped the clutches of Federal Authorities seeking to question him regarding his involvement with several third world rebel groups, including the Tamil Tigers of Sri Lanka and the Zapatistas of the Chiapas region of Mexico. Leahy confided to this reporter that he spent several months in the Sierra Madre del Sur on the Pacific coast of Mexico studying with an Aztec shaman in order to accomplish this amazing feat. "Quetza-Sha showed me how to use the Plants of the Gods to cross over into the animal world and assume the shape of my animal spirit" claimed Leahy; "It's a handy trick for escaping from your foes, but it's a bitch trying to cope with the lack of opposable thumbs. I spilled hot coffee all over my fur this morning and it hurt like hell."

Personal Ads

2006-01-29T20:11:00.000-05:00

Note: Due to the plummeting readership of the Lounge, we have decided to start running personal ads as a way of increasing revenue. Enjoy!

48 Yr old Space Program ISO Another Seven Astronauts

Okay, I've never done anything like this before, but I am just so sick of the bar scene and recruiting at MIT, Harvard and Yale. So here goes nothing:

Me: 48 yr old national aeronautics and space administration in search of another seven astronauts, romance and adventure. I am cute, spontaneous, athletic and receive approximately $16 billion a year in federal funding for long term civilian and military aeronautics research. I have a bit of baggage but then again, who doesn't?

You: Spontaneous but level headed. The kind of person who doesn't ask "what does this button do?" unless they know it won't blow up an entire space shuttle. Good hygiene is a must; if you have dandruff, I WILL find your head and shoulders. Finally, someone who can go all night, if you catch my drift; I don't want your shuttle to explode after 90 seconds unless you have a defective O Ring.

Please, no fatties, or school teachers.

U.S. So Over Bin Laden

2006-01-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

Superstar terrorist Osama Bin Laden's newest tape, released yesterday through Al Jezeera, seems to have fallen flat with American listeners. "Bin Laden? Is that guy still putting out tapes?" inquired Harry Pantone, a 34 year old New York City native, when asked what he thought of the new release. This sentiment was echoed by most New Yorkers when questioned about the new tape; "Whatever" responded Elissa Fagerbacke, 22, "Like, I used to get really scared by all of his new tapes, but seriously, it's gotten old." Bin Laden's poor showing is at least partially the result of having taken so long to follow up his wildly successful debut attack on American soil, 9/11. "It's the classic fear of the sophomore slump that's kept him away so long" opined Jeremy Swanson, 34, "I mean, how can he top that one? He can't. It's that knowledge that's kept him away for the last four years." It seems that Bin Laden is even struggling with his core audience, 10 to 12 year old Arabic tweens, "He's so last year" squeeked 11 year old Safia al Ayat, "Have you heard the new Lindsay Lohan CD? She totally trashes Hillary Duff!"

Dramatic Flashback to This Morning's Bus Ride

2006-01-18T19:01:00.000-05:00

That wasn't a chicken, it was a baby!

Cutler Sticks it to The Man; Follows with Hand Job for a Quick $50

2006-01-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

In a quest for yet another 15 minutes of undeserved fame, Jessica Cutler, AKA Washingtonienne, recently sold the television rights for her novel, the imaginatively titled The Washingtonienne: A Novel, to HBO. Sarah Jessica Parker, who has signed on as co-producer, said that she envisions the story as "Sex in the City, only sluttier and less interesting." Cutler, a former Washington intern and practitioner of the world's newest profession, maintains that her behavior is no different from the way that men have been acting for years; "I see my work as a step towards true equality between the sexes", Cutler then paused to scratch her balls before continuing with a plaintive "Love me, daddy!" Ted Bottomsworthy, a spokesman for The Man, reacted with dismay; "First Urban America decided to dedicate itself to mindless consumerism and now women are being as sexually indiscriminate as men? I'm not sure that we can handle all of the extra cash and ass coming our way."

Senators Probe Alito!

2006-01-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

In a bizarre breaking scandal, the Leahy Lounge has learned that a group of high-profile senators has probed Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito. "It was horrifying," Alito related. "They kept coming at me with their glowing green eyes and long knotted forefingers. I tried to scream but nothing came out. It was as if they controlled me with some sort of crazy voodoo mind magic. Haven't been probed like that since my college days." Independent witnesses confirmed that Alito put up little resistance to the probing. In fact, through most of the ordeal, he sported a wry boyish grin and hummed Christmas carols.

Hi-larious Mix-up in WV Mining Accident

2006-01-04T19:03:00.000-05:00

In a collossal cock-up straight out of a classic (Chrissy years) Three's Company script, family members of trapped West Virginia miners were initially told that 12 of 13 miners had survived the explosion which actually claimed the lives of 12 out of the 13. A repesenative of the mining company apologized to the families mid-day Wednesday saying "Sorry, my bad. What's the opposite of 'survived'? Died. Yes, died. I always get those two confused." Family members, initially elated by earlier reports of survival, were understandably disappointed. "Well, I was real happy when they first said my husband had survived the explosion, but now I just don't know how to feel" confided one befuddled bumpkin.

Farewell, Fair Professor

2006-01-02T10:05:00.000-05:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to bid a fond farewell to our resident science and technology advisor, Lawrence S. Cheepjolk. While his name may not be familiar to our readers, the facts and numbers that he provides should be. Professor Cheepjolk has been an invaluable resource to the Lounge over the last 5 years and his expertise will be sorely missed. I'd love to think that Professor Eli could come down from his ivory tower and fill Cheepjolk's shoes, but I'm afraid that he's just not up to the challenge. Plus, I haven't seen him around for the last month or so. Perhaps someone should look into that...but I digress. The reason for the dear Professor's departure (Cheepjolk, not Eli) is that he has been appointed to a position with the American National Academy of Life Sciences Exchange (ANALSEX), an organization which fosters the exchange of scientific knowledge between countries. ANALSEX has long been a passion of the Professor and he is looking forward to committing himself to it full-time. We here at the Lounge all sincerely hope that the Professor will get as much satisfaction from this new ANALSEX position as is humanly possible.

Hollywood Dish; All You Care to Eat

2005-12-29T14:15:00.000-05:00

This is the first in a series of Hollywood gossip-based columns that I will be writing for the Lounge. One might ask "Who is Gary Smallbox and from whence did he come?" and one might answer "Only the fabbiest gossip guy on the block!". The real meat and potatoes of the story is that I went to prep school with a young Swarthington and we have been inseperable ever since. When he confided to me that the Lounge was struggling, I naturally volunteered my services sans recompence. Before we proceed to the juicy tidbits, a short note regarding the title of my column; I do realize that "all you can eat" would have been snappier, but in light of the tragic seriousness of overeating, I chose to use a more responsible title. Now, on to the dish! Today's main dish concerns young Hollywooder Tara Reid, who spent the holiday in Sri Lanka partying with local sports club the Tamil Tigers. Reid, whose hit show Taradise is scheduled to resume filming in the new year, recieved second degree burns to her face and chest when the firework that she was huffing exploded in her face. A recuperating Reid later learned that the Tigers were in fact a terrorist organization and not a sports club at all! Well, you can call me a Tararist if you must, but I'd blow up 40 virgins to get my hands on those frankenboobs!

Shock Rockers Anne Frankenstein to Headline New Years Show

2005-12-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

Anne Frankenstein, the oft controversial and quasi-anti-semitic kings of shock rock, have been booked to headline this year's Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. The group, who have been banned from countless radio stations and television networks for their outrageous behavior, said that they did not foresee any conflicts with network censors; "Oh we'll behave, you just watch us!" drawled a transparently sarcastic Arion Updike, the group's de facto leader. Updike, who has been known to appear onstage in velvet trousers and a pink bikini top, was recently banned from American Airlines for burping loudly at a fellow passenger. The band's onstage antics have been similarly outrageous; they regularly use artificial dog feces as a stage prop, burp loudly into the microphone and use offensive words such as "suck" and "ass". When asked whether he thought that the group might be a little too outrageous for mainstream America, Dick Clark replied "No. What the public doesn't seem to understand is that Anne Frankenstein isn't particularly offensive, or even interesting."

R. Kelly Skids off Runway; Pees on Three

2005-12-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

Holiday traffic was made worse Monday when R&B singer R. Kelly skidded off the runway at Chicago's Midway airport and onto an adjoining highway, resulting in hours of delays for both air passengers and commuters. Airport officials are currently investigating why Kelly failed to lift off. "There was no obvious reason why Kelly skidded into traffic instead of taking flight" said Pat Harney, Chicago's acting commissioner of aviation; "as far as we can tell, weather was not a major factor." Kelly was not available for comment.

Sharon Leaves Hospital Less than 48 Hours after Stroke

2005-12-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

Seventy-seven year old Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon, who suffered a minor stroke on Sunday, returned to his suburban Jerusalem home today after spending two nights in Hadassah Ein Kerem Hospital. "I am stroooong!" boasted Sharon, as he flexed his muscles. Sharon's doctors, who expect him to make a full recovery, boasted that Sharon was "stronger than King Kong." Omri Sharon, the prime minister's son, was relieved by his father's quick recovery; "We're just glad to have him home in time for Christmas."

Racist Graffiti Marred by Misspelling, Grammatical Errors

2005-12-19T13:54:00.000-05:00

When an elderly couple in Corning, New York awoke Sunday morning to find that their house had been spray painted with racist slogans, homeowners Seth and Sarah Featherbottom were less offended than they were confused by the incident. "White Powder? Do they mean White Power?" wondered a bewildered Seth Featherbottom. Other misspellings and grammatical errors found in the graffiti included "Your not welcome hear", "Hitler was rite", "Jew Basterds" and several others. "To be honest, I'm more shocked by the number of spelling errors than I am by the sentiments expressed" confided Sarah Featherbottom, a former school teacher; "The fact that we aren't even Jewish makes it all the more confounding." Michael Finley, a 24 year old delivery driver for an auto parts store and the person responsible for the graffiti, agreed to speak to the Lounge about the incident on the condition that his identity not be revealed. "I think that the message was clear" insisted Finley. When informed that the message was, in fact, not clear, a dismayed Finley began to chastise himself; "Damn it Finley, can't you do anything right?". Finley's offer to correct the errors was politely refused by the Featherbottoms.

Evil Santas Rampage

2005-12-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (Reuters) - A rampaging horde of forty evil drunken Santas stormed through central Auckland over the weekend. The Santas, chanting "Christmas burn in hell," threw beer bottles, groped and assaulted passers-by and security guards and destroyed all Christmas trees and decorations in their path. John Worchester, 32, was found by police lying in the street half-naked, bloodied and badly beaten, reindeer antlers sticking out of his ass. "At first I thought it was a joke," Worchester stated. "Then I saw their eyes...crazy evil dark eyes....like a clown's eyes. Next thing I know, they were all over me and I wind up here in the hospital with all my private places burning like hellfire."

Police said that Worchester was one of many victims of the marauding Santas. "We were overwhelmed," a police spokesman added. "We hit them with cartridge after cartridge of tear gas and it didn't even phase them. Couldn't bear to shoot 'em though, what with their being all dressed up as Santy Claus and all."

The evil Santas wreaked havoc and mayhem for over an hour and then the real Santa Claus swooped down from the sky in his reindeer-driven sleigh. Pulling a weighty double-bladed axe from a sack, Santa Claus charged into the dense formation of marauders, swinging his axe now left, now right into the thick meat of the evil Santas to the delight of police and onlookers alike. After felling a dozen or so of the red-coated fiends, the remainder broke ranks and scurried away into sewers and drainage pipes.

"Christmas is saved," the real Santa chortled. "And I know who is behind this outrage too. It is my old nemesis. And just as sure as the Pope shits in the woods, he'll be back to try to destroy Christmas again." Then Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But our Lounge correspondent heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Santa Mourns Lost Love

2005-12-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

In this season of non-denominational holiday cheer, not all who wear a happy smile or bellow a good natured "Ho! Ho! Ho!" are quite so cheery on the inside as their forced facade may suggest. Forty years ago today, Santa Claus, our patron saint of cheerfulness, suffered a devastating loss when Joan Stansfield, his mistress of more than 20 years, was killed in a tragic automobile accident. "It was a head-on collision. The police said that she never saw the other car coming" confided Claus, "God rest her soul." Though the police blamed the accident on the great blizzard of '65, Claus has always blamed himself; "If I would have been there, this never would have happened." Every year on this date, Claus takes a break from preparing for his Christmas deliveries to visit the grave of his lost love, who was buried in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. "It's so green here today. Joan would have loved it. Snow was never..." Claus trails off, staring sadly at the headstone. "She was the only woman who ever truly understood me."

2005-12-14T17:35:00.000-05:00

Watchdog Group Accuses Leahy Lounge of being "Anti-Child"

2005-12-12T10:02:00.000-05:00

Parents United to Save the Sanctity of Youth, a Salt Lake City based watchdog group, announced Monday that it had placed the Leahy Lounge on its list of top ten most child unfriendly websites. The group cited over 350 instances of "anti-child behavior", the most serious of which were child labor violations involving the Lounge's adopted son, Victor Guevara Castro de la Garza. "The Leahy Lounge is not a place for children" said Susan Boerman, spokesperson for the watchdog group. "The Lounge's intensive marketing campaigns in publications like Ranger Rick and Highlights are completely inappropriate and must stop immediately" asserted Boerman. "Ummm...this is rather awkward" responded Lounge spokesperson Swarthington, "We were completely unaware that these publications were targeted at children." This claim, however, was discredited when Boerman revealed that Parents United to Save the Sanctity of Youth was in possession of documents which explicitly outline the Lounge's plan to market itself to children. "Once again, rather awkward" responded Sawrthington, "Those are actually documents produced by Philip Morris, which I found online. All I did was cross out 'Philip Morris' and write in 'Leahy Lounge' at the top of the first page. What can I say? I was in a tight spot with the board and had to provide some sort of marketing plan." Further examination of the documents in question proved this claim to be true. Coach Leahy was steadfast in his defense of the Lounge and its tactics, "We will not be bullied into doing the right thing. We believe that children are the future of the Lounge and we will continue to aggressively pursue their readership. What we will not do, is change our content so that it is in any way appropriate for them."

It Was 25 Years Ago Yesterday...

2005-12-09T09:54:00.000-05:00

I must apologize profusely for the torpor that engulfed the Lounge yesterday. In our race to see who could be the most quietly wistful, we completely failed to comment on an anniversary that means a great deal to all of us. To paraphrase a formerly popular rock and roll combo (their name slips my mind); "It was 25 years ago yesterday that Mark David Chapman taught the band to play...". By band, I mean, of course, the legions of celebrity stalkers who have struggled to make a name for themselves in the last 25 years. The lesson that Chapman taught the world is that killing a famous person is the quickest shortcut to immortality. With four simple shots to the back, Chapman proved to his mother, and to the world, that he was somebody. While the pop star who was Chapman's "victim" has faded from our memory, Chapman himself remains bigger than Hobo Jesus.

Winter Wheat

2005-12-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

....and so the Lounge lay fallow and exhausted upon the land, its bountiful fall harvest plucked and stored away in the hearts of readers, and a chill winter wind moved over the land and the lounge, and not a creature stirred nor squeaked nor chirped, and all was at rest, and Leahy perused the chill landscape from on high and scratched his chin and saw that it was good, and the ghost of BA had the most ethereal look on his face and was at peace, and Eli lifted up his reading glasses and looked up from his dusty tome if only for a moment, and Eli sniffed at the cold damp air, and Eli read on, and Champion Sound busied himself about winter household matters and thought wintry hearth-squatting thoughts and was content, and Swarthington looked off in the distance over the land and the lounge, off into the vast indecipherable distance, and sighed a sigh for the seasons and dreamed of winter wheat and of cool spring rains and of a hot unconquerable summer....

Letters to Children

2005-12-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

Each year around this time we take the opportunity to publish some of the many letters to children that we have written throughout the year. Some of our questions are stupid, others are merely ignorant, but I like to think that, either way, we treat the children with the condescension that they deserve.

What's with all of the crying?
Coach Leahy
Sometimes children cry when they don't have the words to express what they're thinking. Other times, they are expressing their distaste at having been left in wet diapers for over twelve hours.
Vic, 2
Why so small?
Champion Sound
Why is what so small? I'm not sure that I'm undertanding your question.
Charlotte, 7
Your hands and feet and stuff.
Champion Sound
Our hands are small so that we can do finer and more exacting work. Who do you think made those Dockers you're wearing? Chinese children, that's who.
Charlotte, 7
Why do Coach and B.A. fight so much? Is it because I'm bad?
Professor Eli
No Eli, not at all. Coach and B.A. fight because they love each other. To a great extent, love is defined by conflict.
Sam, 6
Will you be my son? You can't possibly be any worse than the one I already have.
B.A. Margolious
For the last time, no.
Sean, 8
We need more forumla, I just drank the last case.
Swarthington
That's not even a question.
Sarah, 11

German Man Claims U.S. Tortured Him

2005-12-07T07:17:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON - A German man, Khaled al-Masri, 42, alleged in a lawsuit Tuesday that the U.S. tortured him after mistakenly identifying him as an associate of the September 11 hijackers. A Leahy Lounge correspondent confronted Masri with the fact that the "U.S." is a rather broad entity containing approximately 300 million people and asked him to be more specific. Masri replied, "It was Cheney mostly. He kept stomping on my feet with his big cowboy boots and yelling 'yeehaa' in my ears. Barbara Boxer was there too. She would pull down my undershorts and point to my genitalia while the Senate Judiciary Committee snapped digital pictures. But the Supreme Court was probably the worst. Ruth Bader Ginsburg attached electrodes to my testicles. Scalia would ask her to pull his finger and, every time she did, he would fart like the dickens and I would get the hell shocked out me. They got the biggest kick out of that one."

New Mammal Found in Borneo Jungle

2005-12-06T15:05:00.000-05:00

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AFP) - Researchers from the World Wildlife Fund conservation group may have made the extremely rare discovery of a new species of mammal in the dense forests of central Borneo, the organization said. The carnivorous mammal, slightly larger than a domestic cat with dark red fur and a long bushy tail, was photographed twice by an automated camera at night in 2003 on the Indonesian side of the island, the WWF said Tuesday.

If confirmed, it would be the first new carnivore discovered on the island in over a century. The creature, dubbed the Borneo Foxcat, would also be the first mammal discovered able to shoot laser beams from its eyes to stun prey. The Foxcat is also remarkable for its ability to make a standing leap of 100 feet or more into treetops, to cast a cloak of invisibility upon itself when startled and to wield its prehensile tail like a bludgeon to topple small trees or crush a man's shin bone as if it were a dry twig.

Letters from Children

2005-12-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

Each year around this time we take the opportunity to answer the many letters from children that we get throughout the year. Some of their questions are stupid, others are merely ignorant, but I like to think that, either way, we treat them with the condescension that they deserve.

Where does snow come from?
Chelsea, age 7
That's God's domain, and we here at the Lounge do our best not to tamper in God's domain, but since you asked; snow is the ash that comes from heaven burning every time you do something bad.
Why is daddy always so angry?
Chip, 24
Daddy isn't always angry, that's a goddamn lie. Daddy is angry only when you disappoint him, which is constantly, so I guess I can see how you would be confused.
Does God exist?
Dylan, 9
What's with you brats and your thorny theological questions? The easy answer is, of course, no. Next question!
What will Santa bring me this year?
Morgan, 8
Well, let me gaze into my freakin' crystal ball...wait, I don't have a freakin' crystal ball. How should I know? Next.
Why do mommy and daddy fight all the time? Is it because I'm bad?
Savannah, 6
Probably.
In school I learned that there are kids starving in Africa. Can I send them some of my food?
Bucky, 10
Where in the hell do you kids come up with this stuff, and where did you get our address? Call 911, maybe they can answer your incessant questions, because I'm through.

Our Favorite 2005 Things About 2005

2005-12-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

Why does a year even end, if not to give us the opportunity to make lists of the things that we liked about that year? Legend has it that a giant bird named Eon once tried to kidnap the Baby New Year in a ploy to keep the year from ever ending. Our guess is that he just didn't have his list together yet. We at the Lounge believe that it's never too soon to have your list ready. Well almost; I proposed making a list in February, but everyone thought that was too soon. Pussies. Anyway, it's now early December and if they think that anything worthwhile is going to happen before the end of the year, then they're bigger fools than I thought. Without further ado, here are our favorite 2005 things of 2005 (in no particular order):

Hot teachers having sex with students. Anyone who thinks this trend isn't hot obviously never saw My Tutor.
Guys in pink leotards. Since Wilber E. Phister burst onto the scene in a pink leotard that lovingly emphasized his junk, pink has been the new black.
Chinese babies. If you don't own one yet, you had better get a move on. They will be the Cabbage Patch Kids of the 2005 holiday season.
Lemon Parties. The Coach was well ahead of the curve on this one. If you don't attend at least one this season, consider yourself officially not hip.
Chief Running Joke. Does your blog have its own Indian? No? Well I guess there's always next year.
The Chip Margolious story arc. If you didn't like it, you're the only one. They don't hand Bloggies out like candy, after all.
Mini golf. Twice the fun of normal golf in one fifth of the distance. We may even be able to get Swarthington out on the course if we can find someplace that has carts.
Shatner. Whether he's trafficking in stolen organs or searching for yellowcake, Shatner is never not interesting.
Skeeter. This lovable and aggressive hobo was taken from us far too soon. Given another five minutes, he might have gotten a well-deserved spork into our own Professor Eli.
Cat shows. Who doesn't love a convention hall filled with our furriest of friends? It's not winning that counts, it's the little outfits.
Preppy Jesus. After years of humoring the less white among us, Jesus is once again proudly blonde-haired and blue-eyed.
The war on terror. I'm pretty sure that we won this one this year. Sorry terrorists, better luck next year.
High gas prices. Maybe the $3.00 gallon of gas will make people think twice about driving their SUVs alone in the carpool lane. No? Oh well, it was worth a try.
The internet. 2005 was the year that the Lounge discovered the internet. Huge improvement over leaving LL pamphlets on urinals to be found by loyal readers.

Sexsomniac Gets Off

2005-12-02T11:33:00.000-05:00

TORONTO (Reuters) - The Canadian province of Ontario plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident. The Office of the Attorney General, which oversees the province's prosecutions, said on Thursday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case. "This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Crawley, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Wilber E. Phister, 40, of West Bend, Wisconsin, was acquitted of sexual assault charges last week because he said he was asleep during the attacks. A sleep expert testified that Phister suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced on previous occassions. During court testimony, it was revealed that Phister had fondled and groped several female victims at an all-night grocery store in Toronto while wearing a tight-fitting pink body suit, which Phister's attorney claimed was his normal bedwear.

Brenda Fowler, 32, a Toronto native and victim of Phister's assault stated, "It was disgusting, pathetic. The pervert was clearly aroused and he just kept coming at me. I screamed and screamed until a boxboy dragged his sick ass away from me. There's no way he was asleep. What a joke!"

Phister's attorney, Max Greentooth, disagreed with Ms. Fowler. "The dude's got a freakin' disease, for crying out loud. Phister is the real victim here. It's time we as a society recognized sexsomnia as a serious disease and stopped yelling 'witch' everytime a sexsomniac is caught in a little late night groping." When our Lounge correspondent reminded Greentooth that Phister was recently convicted of multiple misdemeanors for placing pictures of his genitalia on the cars of women outside of Wisconsin grocery stores, and that no 'sexsomnia' defense was presented in that case, Greentooth replied, "Hey, Assclown, that whole thing was inadmissable. The judge ruled as much. It's people like you who would piss all over legal precedent just to make a stinking point."

Since the publicity of Phister's sexsomnia defense, an epidemic of sexsomnia cases has broken out at fraternity houses all over the United States. Bud 'Gonzo' Smithson of the University of Virginia's Delta House stated, "This is gonna be bigger than bird flu. It's kicking our asses over here."

Please Excuse Our Mess...

2005-12-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

As our loyal readers may have noticed, things have been rather chaotic around the Lounge lately. The reasons for our recent slide into disorganization are many. First of all, the death of longtime board member BA, followed by the ascension of Chip to the director's chair was traumatic for all of us. The Coach was especially hard hit by the one-two punch of the death of his oldest friend followed swiftly by his ouster from power. As a result, he has checked himself into a clinic in Zurich for some "quiet time." It goes without saying that we all wish him a thorough and speedy revovery. It's just not the same around the Lounge without his overbearing presence. In the Coach's absence, Swarthington has been forced to step in and take care of some of the more mundane tasks associated with keeping the Lounge up and running on a daily basis. While these efforts are the blood that keeps the heart of the Lounge beating, they do not leave him with much free time to post or comment. The headless ghost of BA drifts in and out, commenting here and there, mostly on the difficulty of having a proper cocktail without a mouth. Sadly, it seems that he fades a little each day and I fear that soon he will be but a memory. Eli spends most of the day running between his two offices and cackling madly. Recent events seem to have unsettled him in ways that are difficult to fathom. I shudder to think what will happen on the 15th when the occupants of the halfway house move into BA's office and Eli is once again forced to confine his madness to a single office. As for myself, I have been doing my best to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about things too much. Soon, the automaton that I have been working on will be finished and my hands will once again be idle. Maybe then I will resume work on my project to develop software that will automatically generate posts, so that the board can be freed up to work fulltime on Project Angry Asp. If I can find the time, I may also see if I can wrest the Rambaldi Device from Vic's greedy little hands before he does something you'll all regret.

2005-12-02T11:03:00.000-05:00

New Textbook on Bible to be Taught in Public Schools

2005-12-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

A new textbook, "The Bible and its Influence" co-authored by a New York investment banker, has left both the conservative right and the liberal left in a state of confusion. A Republican representative said, "It confuses the kids, because it allows them to look at the bible as a text and not as the law, it makes 'em have questions and we don't like our kids to have questions, especially not about what we tell them they are supposed to believe. However, the Republican higher-ups have told us that we should support this book, so we support it 100%." A Democratic representative reacted in this way, "They say this book is supposed to just show the bible's place as it affected Western Civilization, but it leaves out all the bad parts, like slavery and Anti-Semitism. It only tells the good parts, and therefore is factually inaccurate. Even if it was accurate, how can you teach that Jesus Christ rose from the dead after three days, without saying yes, it's true, or no, it's a made up story. This is just another attempt by the right get away with obscuring a division that by law should not be crossed." A supporter of the book denies that it confuses or crosses the line between separation of Church and State, "It's easy. See one can't teach that the Bible is objectively true, but one shouldn't teach that it's objectively false. Therefore, we are teaching that it's not necessarily true, unless you decide to believe it is, and it's not false, well, unless, you know what I mean, unless it's clearly subjectively false. It's a perfect, clear line?"

The teaching of religion was banned in the United States in 1963. When asked about how this book gets around the whole violation of the constitution, co-author Chuck Stetson had this to say, "This is a nonsectarian, nonreligious book about the bible that shows what a central and important role the bible plays in our Western civilization. It's not about belief. It's about crucial knowledge and knowledge belongs in our schools." When asked why an investment banker had enough interest and expertise to get involved in such a project, Mr. Stetson said, "Who needs expertise? I saw a market niche that wasn't being filled. I filled it. That's what America is all about. Capitalism baby. I'm gonna make a bundle off this project!"

New Congressional Panel to Investigate Morality in Cartoons

2005-11-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

Responding to escalating disapproval of Iraq war policy and countless accusations of ethics violations, a Republican-led group of Senators has established a panel to investigate the scurrilous cartoon industry. Freshman Senator Ted Warren (R-WY) asserts that "The cartoon industry has long been a hotbed of depravity and it's time that someone step up to the plate and do something about it." Instances of transvesticism in cartoons date back at least as far as the late nineteen-forties, when silver screen icon Bugs Bunny cross-dressed in a number of classic Warner Brothers cartoons, including Rabbit of Seville (1949), What's up Doc (1949) and Hillbilly Hare (1950). Sal Finkelstein, a cartoon historian, argues that cross-dressing has a long history in both comedy and drama dating back several centuries, "From the ancient Greeks to Shakespeare to Milton Berle, cross-dressing has long been a part of popular entertainment. It poses no threat. This is clearly an attempt to distract the public's attention from an unpopular war and a Republican party rife with scandal." Warren heartily disagrees; "Nonsense. What that Jew fag won't tell you is that I found my four-year-old son rooting around in his mother's closet trying on her things. It was a disgrace. A disgrace and an abomination." Though the early hearings have focused on transvesticism and gay marriage, the panel plans to investigate a host of other social ills thought to have their origins in cartoons, including homosexuality, pre-marital sex, illegitimate children and parental neglect. "Peppermint Patty's a dyke, Mickey's nephews are, in fact, he and Minnie's illegitimate children, Charlie Brown and friends have little or no parental supervision; what kind of parent would let their child spend an entire night alone in a pumpkin patch? The cartoon world is a cesspool. I recently saw a cartoon in which Bug Bunny married Elmer Fudd, for fuck's sake" fumed Warren. Representatives of the cartoon industry could not be reached for comment.

Britney and Tom lie about solo cow-tipping experience

2005-11-29T10:41:00.000-05:00

While I was banned from the Lounge, I had some time to continue my research for my book "The How To Guide to Being Cool." In my research, I came across a very compelling article about that favorite American past-time, cow-tipping. For those of you unfamiliar with this fine American tradition, cow-tipping refers to the knocking down of a cow, who is in a state of R.E.M. sleep, otherwise known as the deepest level of sleep. Some famous outspoken cow-tippers include Tom Cruise and Britney Spears.

While both Cruise and Spears have professed to go and cow-tip all alone, according to a recent article by the London Times, researchers at the University of British Columbia have deemed that such an act solo would be virtually impossible. According to such article, Dr. Margo Lillie found that it would require at least two people to tip a cow and even with two people the angles between the left and right hooves and the exact point of push and the resistance of the cow, would have to be exact."

Such article begs the question: Were Britney and Tom lying about their cow-tipping past? When asked about her "solo" cow-tipping experience in light of the London Times article, Ms. Spears said, "What do all them folks know about a good ole cow-tipping. I don't care what their research says, science ain't perfect." It was later revealed that Ms. Spears was under the mistaken impression that her attempt to give the cow a hundred dollar bill for allowing her to milk it, was in fact, not "cow-tipping" in the traditional sense. Mr. Cruise was unavailable for comment. However, his publicist adamantly denies that Mr. Cruise ever had sex with a cow. He further said that he already litigated this issue and states again that Mr. Cruise is not a homosexual. When a Lounge correspondent tried to explain that the issue was not about the nature of Mr. Cruise's sexuality, his publicist said, "Isn't everything about Tom's sexuality? I mean come on, it's Tom Cruise."

And the Winnner is...US!!!!

2005-11-28T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm proud to announce that the Leahy Lounge has won an Excellence in Blogging award (Bloggie) from the Blogging Counsel of America (BCA) for our work on the "Chip takes over the Lounge" story arc. False humility aside, we absolutely deserved this award. A lot of time and effort went into developing and excecuting the plotline and inserting it seamlessly into the fabric of the blog. Hell, we spent over 12 hours developing the character of Sergio alone. There are literally hundreds of pages of backstory for each character involved in the takeover of the Lounge that you, the reader, will never see. The fact that Chip, Sergio and Philipe came off flawlessly as over-the-top homosexual stereotypes is proof positive that all of the time invested in creating these characters was time well spent. While we may have lost more than 90% of our readership while this story arc played itself out, we feel that this Bloggie only serves to confirm what we knew all along; artistically speaking, Chip was gold.

Lounge Dictator dies in tragic mini-golf accident

2005-11-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

Chip Margolious, the young boy whose deft manuevering allowed him to seize control of the Leahy Lounge last week, has died in a freak accident at Ray Spark's Jungle Golf miniature golf course and all you can eat sushi buffet on 19th Street. Margolious was apparently attempting to ride a plaster of paris giraffe when the apparatus collapsed, crushing his auburn-locked head and killing him instantly. Ignoring repeated warnings from the ghost of his father, Chip just couldn't resist sticking his finger in the socket of life.

Editorial: Few were upset upon hearing of Chip's demise. He had become a ruthless and petty bully, drunk with power and enamored with his own mundane daily activities. Readership plunged 90% over the Thanksgiving holiday, and the Lounge facilities are covered in silly string.

SO BORED! Time for Mini-Golf!

2005-11-28T10:52:00.000-05:00

Age of Chip!

2005-11-25T15:50:00.000-05:00

Now dawns the Age of Chip! I thought this picture was wonderful and so appropriate for what went down recently in the Leahy Lounge (I will be changing the blog name BTW). That's me--the gallant knight holding the flagpole up high--Sergio's holding the pole a little lower. Philipe guards my back, sword poised to strike down all who oppose us and Colibri stands behind Sergio, somewhat in the shadows, but ready for mayhem nonetheless.

You have probably already guessed who is in the pile of "BANNED" corpses we are standing on: Coach Leahy dead center, Champion Sound (note his big bald head), Swarthington (buried and rotting left of center) and Professor Eli (sliding off the pile to the left).

It's been a really stressful week, what with my dad dying and me taking over the Leahy Lounge and all. If it wasn't for my good friends, I don't know how I would have pulled through (thanks, guys!!!). I almost hate to say it, but when Dad died, it was like a 400 pound gorilla on my back died too, and then the dead gorilla fell off my back, and then it was like a 400 pound weight was taken off of me. You know what I mean?

I remember Dad used to stand on my head with his hard work shoes and say "a nickel for your thoughts." Then, if I made any sound, he'd throw a nickel in my face. He got the biggest kick out of it, but he never did it when other people were around--it was our special thing I guess. Well, there aren't any hard shoes on Chip Margolious' head anymore and Dad certainly isn't laughing. With Dad gone, my long-hidden TYPE A personality has smashed out of its prison and has climbed up to the mountaintop like a beacon that could climb mountains somehow, as if to say, "Here I am, World!!! I have so much to give!!!"

Happy Thanksgiving!

2005-11-24T13:22:00.001-05:00

A Delicious Turkey Recipe for your Holiday Pleasure

2005-11-23T15:28:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking, "I thought Chip was vegan". I am, but every now and then I get a yen for some meat, especially around the holidays. Holdays in the Margolious household have always been a bit of a mixed bag, my father blinded my cousin Pedro on Thanksgiving, 1983. The following Christmas he burned down the guest house. Thanksgiving, 1988 he passed out in a plate of mashed potatoes and nearly suffocated. If uncle Steve hadn't been there to pull him out and give him the kiss of life, he never would have made it to Christmas that year. I don't really want to think about that. Dad's gone and he'll never ruin another holiday for anyone.

1 lb. bulk pork sausage, divided
1-1/2 cups hot water
2 pkg. (6 oz. each) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken, divided
1 frozen whole turkey (10 lb.), thawed
1/4 tsp. salt
PREHEAT oven to 325°F. Brown half of the sausage in large skillet on medium heat; drain, reserving 1/4 cup of the drippings. Place reserved drippings in large bowl. Stir in hot water. Add 1 pkg. of the stuffing mix and the cooked sausage; stir just until moistened. Rinse turkey with cold water. Sprinkle neck and body cavities with salt; stuff lightly with sausage mixture. Truss turkey; place in large roasting pan.
BAKE 3 hours or until turkey is cooked through.
BROWN remaining sausage; drain, reserving 1/4 cup of the drippings. Prepare remaining stuffing mix as directed on pkg. for less moist stuffing, substituting reserved cooked sausage drippings for the butter. Mix in sausage. Place turkey on serving platter. Spoon additional cooked stuffing around turkey just before serving.

Florida Teacher Pleads Guilty in Sex Case

2005-11-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

TAMPA, Fla. - A female teacher pleaded guilty Tuesday to having sex with a 14-year-old male student, avoiding prison as part of a plea agreement. Sultry sex kitten Debra Lafave, 25, whose sensational case made tabloid headlines, will serve three years of house arrest and seven years' probation. She pleaded guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious battery.

The former Greco Middle School reading teacher apologized during the hearing, saying "I accept partial to full responsibility for my horny behavior." The victim, who we will refer to only as 'Lucky Boy', told investigators the two had steamy sex on a desktop at the Greco school, in her Riverview town house shower and once in a vehicle while his 15-year-old cousin drove them back and forth over parking lot speed bumps.

'Lucky Boy' told investigators Lafave's marriage was in trouble and she was hopelessly aroused by the fourteen year-old's "forbidden fruit." He said Lafave, a newlywed at the time, got to know him on a class trip to SeaWorld Orlando in May 2004, where she groped him during a particularly erotic killer whale show.

A Leahy Lounge correspondent had a chance to catch up with the victim of Lafave's dastardly crimes, who wished to remain anonymous. 'Lucky Boy' recounted for our correspondent the horrors of their encounter on the classroom teacher's desk, which involved copious amounts of whipped cream and half a dozen maraschino cherries. "I'll never look at ice cream sundaes the same way again," he added with a far-away look in his eyes. Since his victimization at the hands of the insatiable Lafave, 'Lucky Boy' has had to endure brutal stigmatization from his classmates. "They call me all sorts of names now," 'Lucky Boy' stated. "Stud, Superman, God of the Eighth Grade....it never stops."

It is hoped that the example made of Debra Lafave will deter other attractive young female schoolteachers from recreating every schoolboy's worst nightmare--consensual sex with a hot and horny older female authority figure.

In Memory of my Father

2005-11-22T09:19:00.000-05:00

Today we mourn the untimely death of my father, BA Margolious. My father and I didn't really have an affectionate relationship or a loving relationship. Or much of a relationship at all. In fact, the one constant in our relationship was abuse and humiliation. He was proud of me though, I think. Actually, he really wasn't. Anything even remotely resembling "pride", or more specifically "not hate" was probably just him manipulating me. I remember this one time he came home drunk and he woke me up by putting out a lit cigarette on my forehead. He kind of mumbled something about wanting to spend time with his "daughter" and that this is why he woke me up but he just passed out on my bed. He suffocated my little dog Pepe that night. That's not a very fond memory come to think of it.

Well my dad did have some positive influence on my life; he introduced me to Professor Eli. I have a song I'd like to sing for my muse, Professor Eli Slapworthy.

Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
We're floating in space?
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That happiness makes you cry? (actually most things make me cry - Drama Queen!)
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That everyone you know someday will die? Except for me of course.

Now that I think about it, singing a song from the album "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" is probably not the most appropriate thing considering how my father died. But I think he would have appreciated it considering he always considered me a huge disappointment.

I love you dad!

Shatner Seeking Weapons of Mass Destruction

2005-11-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

A Leahy Lounge anonymous source has confirmed that Emmy-winning actor and cultural icon William Shatner is actively seeking to obtain both nuclear and biological weapons. According to our source, extremely high concentrations of both yellowcake uranium and anthrax have been found in Mr. Shatner's garbage. Additionally, a shipping receipt found in Mr. Shatner's garbage indicates the actor recently received a shipment of nuclear rods from Capitaine, a company based in France.

Shatner's agent categorically denied the actor is involved with developing weapons of mass destruction, stating he is far too busy with his popular ABC courtroom drama Boston Legal. When our Lounge correspondent presented Shatner's agent with evidence Shatner recently acquired yellowcake uranium and nuclear rods, he stated, "Even if Mr. Shatner is developing a nuclear capability, he is doing so for the peaceful purpose of powering his Malibu estate."

We then contacted the French Government and were referred to their Special Minister of Information on the condition that his identity remain anonymous. He called the charges that a French company is supplying Shatner with nuclear materials "ludicrous." When it was pointed out to the French representative that the company involved in the transfer of nuclear materials, Capitaine, also markets a line of Captain Kirk puppets that French children are reportedly "apeshit" over, and that the same company, Capitaine, has contributed heavily to the ruling party of President Jacques Chirac, the representative abruptly ended the interview.

Our Lounge correspondent then sat down and spoke with President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about the growing Shatner threat. When our correspondent asked President Bush how he felt about a nuclear armed William Shatner, the President stated, "He's that Captain Kirk fella, right?" After confirming that Shatner did indeed play Captain Kirk on the original Star Trek series and in numerous feature films, we presented Bush with evidence that Shatner has recently acquired yellowcake uranium. The President shot back, "If this Kirk fella's got yellowcake on him, Condi will sniff it out." Condoleezza Rice quickly interjected, "What the President meant to say is that while the Administration currently has no plans to sniff William Shatner, we don't rule out the possibility we may have to sniff him at a future date if the situation so warrants."

We then presented Bush with a shipping receipt showing Shatner recently received a French delivery of nuclear rods. Bush responded, "This Captain Kirk fella's an evildoer. We're gonna smoke em out." When our correspondent explained to the President that Shatner makes dozens of public appearances a year at Star Trek conventions and elsewhere, Bush handed him a note reading, "I need to go potty," then hurried out of the interview.

Board Member BA struck down well after his time

2005-11-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

In a shocking but thoroughly predictable turn of events, longtime LL board member BA Margolious was murdered by a devastatingly sexy ninja this morning. Pursuant to the Leahy Lounge Charter, BA's son Chip will take over BA's spot on the Board of Directors.

Like a child who can't resist playing with fire, BA ignored his fellow board members' repeated pleas to stop provoking the unstable Yoshimi. Prudence never was BA's strong suit, and thus the last minutes of his life proceeded just as the 62 years before- unthinking, reactionary, and ultimately, unsuccessful.

Board member Professor Eli, reached under his desk for comment, could only make snot bubbles and frantic hand signals in response to repeated requests for an explanation of the situation. At this time, Yohsimi's whereabouts are unknown. As such, Swarthington has activated LLWHQ's Emergency Preparedness Plan (EPP). All employees have been instructed to act as human shields while the remaining 4 board members attempt to evacuate the premises. Additionally, under the well-drilled EPP, Chief Security Guard Wade Furbie has been instructed to strip, cover his body in lemon juice and wait in Champion Sound's office.

In light of these distressing events, the Bridges from the 21st Century program has been tabled for the forseeable future.

Bridges from the 21st Century

2005-11-21T10:59:00.000-05:00

In an effort to better understand our history, we at the LLWHQ have decided to repeat it. What this means for our readers is that, while we will maintain a small web presence, most of our efforts will be directed towards composing new posts in longhand, sending them out to the calligrapher to be reproduced and distributing them individually to subscribers via Pony Express. In addition, all accompanying images will be produced as daguerreotypes, rather than photographs. We project that each new post will take approximately six to eight weeks from inception to delivery. Obviously, such changes will mean that the costs associated with producing a post will skyrocket. To that end, we will be forced to charge a nominal fee in the form of a subscription charge for future issues of the Lounge. While a definite price has not been settled on as of yet, we are estimating that individual posts will cost approximately $70 apiece, with a discounted rate for yearly subscriptions of approximately $55 per post, with three to seven posts expected per year. We hope that our readers will be every bit as enthusiastic about this bold step backward as we here at the Lounge. For further subscription information, please contact either the Coach or myself via electronic mail.

Hobo Jesus Died for His Sins

2005-11-18T10:39:00.000-05:00

Skeeter's recent untimely demise put me in a somewhat reflective mood. I am not by nature a particularly religious person, but the completely sensible nature of Skeeter's death caused a bit of a crisis of faithlessness for me. I began to ponder the big questions; Do some people deserve to die? Is there a higher power that those people can call on in thier time of need? Does life have any greater meaning for those soulless lost souls? The short answers are yes, no and no, but that doesn't mean that these people don't need something to believe in, regardless of its non-existence. That something is Jerry Storgun, better known as Hobo Jesus. Storgun travelled the highways and byways of the great Hobo Nation back in the Golden Age of Hoboism (1933 - June 13, 1937), back when hoboing was a respected career choice. In those golden days the hobo was king of both road and rail; welcomed in towns both big and small and treated like royalty. The original concept of Santa Claus was, in fact, based loosely on the image of the benevolent and revered hobo. It was Jerry Storgun who single-handedly transformed the popular perception of the hobo from a treasured traveller to a reviled miscreant. For this, he is remembered every June 13th, popularly known as "Hobo Christmas". It was on that day in 1937 that Storgun, a lifelong tetotaler, had his first taste of the demon rum. This first taste set off a series of events that culminated in his being dragged behind a shiny new Ford pickup while nailed to a rough-hewn parallelogram. Accounts of the events that led to the dragging are widely divergent; some say he snatched and ate a child in full view of the parents, some say that he defecated on the Mayor's Christmas goose in the presence of the entire town council, others claim that he once shot a man for snoring too loud. The only point on which all agree is that he had it coming.

Shatner Wants to Sell Kidney Stone

2005-11-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

11/17/2005 - 19:31:59 William Shatner is hoping to persuade medics who removed his kidney stone to hand it over so he can sell it on auction site eBay. The actor, who played Captain James T. Kirk on Star Trek, claimed the stone will become "the ultimate piece of Star Trek memorabilia." When told by our Lounge correspondent that eBay has strict rules about the sale of body parts, Shatner screamed, "Khaaaaaaan!!!", then stormed out of the interview.

His agent referred us to Shatner's brother Buddy Shatner, who manages all of William Shatner's memorabilia businesses. "Oh, yeah, the kidney stone will be huge. Twenty or thirty grand minimum," Buddy chortled. "Last year, we sold limited edition bronze William Shatner Deathmasks on eBay and made a killing. I'm talking KILLING. Think low to mid six figures. Each mask came with a certificate stating that while Billy is still living, the expression on the mask will substantially represent his actual face upon death. The public ate it up. Couldn't get a freaking nuff of em."

When we informed Buddy Shatner about eBay's restrictions on the sale of body parts, he shot back, "I don't give a flying f***. I'll sell the goddamn stone in Japan." Our research shows it won't be the first time the Shatners have sold body parts of Star Trek cast members in Asia. Before agreeing to do any of the Star Trek feature films, Shatner made many of the cast members sign over to him rights to their internal organs after death. The recent death of actor James Doohan, who played Chief Engineer Scotty on Star Trek, proved a windfall for the Shatners.

"Oh yeah, we were just sick over Jimmy's death. But, you know, we had buyers lined up and had to move body parts," Buddy Shatner explained. "I believe the liver and spleen went to an investor in Singapore, heart to Japan and lungs to Taiwan. It was sad in a way. We had to take out most of Jimmy's innards. They had to stuff the corpse with foam insulation for the wake. But I'll tell you this, Jimmy still made a beautiful corpse.....looked just like an angel lying there."

When our Lounge correspondent asked Buddy Shatner whether he thought there might eventually be some sort of fan backlash against William Shatner's seemingly greedy opportunism, he snapped, "Listen, cheese dick, you aint seen nothing. You haven't heard the last from Billy Shatner."

Cross Dressing Blogger to keep job, for now...

2005-11-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

Many of you have probably heard of the cross dressing blogger, David Lat, author of the snarky judicial gossip blog, Underneath Their Robes (taken offline Monday). Apparently, Lat is still employed by the Department of Justice in Newark, NJ despite his self-outing in a New Yorker article this weekend.

Lat posed as a female junior associate at an anonymous large firm under the pseudonym, Article III Groupie. During the course of his wildly popular run, Lat made totally heterosexual observations regarding the "hotness" of Supreme Court nominee Alito's son, and the "cuteness" of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts' chin dimple.

Judge Richard Posner, a fan of the blog, expressed "total shock that it was a straight guy, especially considering the graphic descriptions of how to give proper oral sex. I mean, how does a guy even know those things. He must be very well read."

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft, when reached at home, stated "this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as a naked statue, but close."

Lat could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the situation reported that the outing has caused considerable stress. Large deliveries of chocolate and Jimmy Choo shoes were made to Lat's apartment on Christopher Street Wednesday afternoon.

Leahy Lounge History Continues-The meeting of Professor Eli and Champion Sound

2005-11-17T09:53:00.000-05:00

While I am saving the extended version for my memoir "My Life as Professor Eli", I have decided to share with our readers the day I met our wonderboy, Champion Sound.

On that fateful fall morning I awoke early, eager to get my day started since it was to be my first time participating as a judge for the Cat Fancier's Association. I had had a few too many tequila shot/martini chasers the night before, so I woke up a bit late and had to rush. I threw my cats Heimlich and Stewy into the car and hauled ass over to the show. I made a sharp right into the parking lot where the cat show was being held and almost rammed right into a car with a license plate that said in hot pink letters, "SASSIPURR". I swerved around the car and threw the bird at the driver, a tiny woman, who was peering over the steering wheel in bright green sunglasses oblivious to the fact that I had almost hit her. Next to her leaning back was what appeared to be a large invalid with dark old man sunglasses. As soon as I saw that person a strange feeling overcame me, kind of like I knew that invalid, even though I had never before seen him. The moment passed almost as soon as it started and I squeezed my car into a spot. The little lady in the sunglasses pulled up next to me and before I could blink, the invalid had gotten out of the car and was waving his hands in the air coming toward me. He began yelling at me in a deep old man voice, "YOU GODDAMMNED SONOFABITCH! DIDN'T YOU SEE THE GODDAMNED SIGN ON THE WINDSHIELD?!? YOU ALMOST DARNED NEAR MADE FOOFSIE POOP HIMSELF." "HE ALREADY HAS A GODDAMNED NERVOUS CONDITION! IF HE SO MUCH AS PIDDLED HIMSELF JUST A LITTLE, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY, BUDDY! HELL TO PAYYYYY!!!!" Well, I realized this guy wasn't an invalid at all and he wasn't an old man. I said, "Why sir, are you talking like that? You aren't elderly." Without waiting for a response I grabbed Heimlich and Stewy and ran inside to set up their cage. Once inside, I laid down the gold lame sheets and cushions and hung the love beads in their cage, shoved them inside and set off for the first competition.

The first few felines were beautiful strong examples of their breeds and I expected the same to follow. I called number 4 and who came forward, but none other than the invalid impersonator. He walked up and said, "Not you. Great, just my luck." He gently set down a tiny balding cat, "Foofsie, it's okay, come on Foofs, buck up, guy." He turned to me and said, "You see, this is all your fault. He has a skin condition that gets exacerbated when he's nervous. Makes his fur fall out." I picked up Foofsie to examine his coat and he proceeded to pee down my coat. The invalid I later came to know as Champion Sound, then laughed and said, "Just foolin', I found that cat in the alley. Sucker!" Mrs. Sound then said, "No, he didn't. Foofsie is Champion's cat. He's just covering up his disappointment at what a lousy competitor Foofsie is. I think Foofsie has self-esteem issues, but we're working on them, right, honey? Champion Sound looked at the ground and said, "Yes, dear, it's true. I loved that goddamned cat, and last time he lost, it took a year for his fur to grow back." "Don't fret, dear man, my Stewy is bucktoothed and hairless and he has great self-esteem. Stick with me and before long I'll show you a emotionally well-rounded Foofsie. From that moment on, like the cat piss stain on my blazer, our friendship has endured.

Riding the Blinds with the American Hobo

2005-11-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

With all of the focus on the growing problem of homeless in America most of us have forgotten about the most noble nomad of them all, the great American hobo. Sure, your average hobo would just as soon stab you as look at you, after all, they're a dirty and violent breed, but that merely adds to their otherworldly mystique. The first hobo was a nomad named Azkaraz who roamed the deserts of ancient Egypt concealed inside an empty pack camel. Azkaraz met his end in the shadow of the great pyramids, run through by the sword of a nobleman. Since then, every hobo the world over has dreamed of going out in a similar fashion; run through with one hand frantically grabbing for a bottle and the other groping for the nearest woman or child. What differentiates the American hobo from his foreign brethren is that he travels not in the belly of a hollowed out camel, but in the belly of a great iron beast; the freight train. For the American hobo, hitching a ride on a freight train, colloquially known "riding the blinds", is not merely a means of transport from point A to point K, but a return to the hobo womb. To catch a ride the hobo must sometimes stalk the train yard for days on end searching for likely prey. In order to make quick jumps to and from moving trains and angry mobs, the hobo must pack light. A hobo traditionally carries all of his worldly goods in a single pack, typically containing one stabbing knife, one slashing knife and one cutting knife, all tucked inside a makeshift hammock that doubles as a garrote or binding rope. But riding the blinds is not all blood and glamour; the comforts of the nearest hobo camp are sometimes days away. The hobo typically spends this down time sleeping, drinking or lurking. If you live within a 30 mile radius of a railway line, it's best to keep your children inside and in sight at all times; while the hobo is undoubtedly a romantic and dashing figure, he is also a blood thirsty carnivore who would disembowel and devour little Dick or Jane without a second thought, but enough about that. Did you know that there's a town in Oklahoma that holds an annual hobo festival? Well, there's no reason that you should, unless you are a hobo fancier like myself, but it's true nonetheless. The week-long festival culminates in the crowning of a hobo king, chosen from the survivors of the Great Stab and Slash, a contest that pits hobo against hobo in the mother of all knife fights. Sadly, the long and bloody reign of the American hobo is nearly at an end. Finding themselves in competition with Asian hobos who can eat and stab twice as fast on half as much liquor, the American hobo industry will inevitably be forced out of business. But today is not that day. I urge you all to take the time to thank a hobo for their contribution to American culture before they go the way of the late great American Indian. For safety's sake, just be sure to do it from a distance.

Road Trip: Day Two

2005-11-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

I didn't want it to happen this way.

Yesterday afternoon, after some gentle chiding from the Lounge, I went to get Chip at the Dirty Sanchez, the rugged biker bar where I abandoned him yesterday. He was filthy and pretty haggard looking. I explained to him that I thought it would help him win the Excitebike race if he got to spend a night with some real bikers. He seemed skeptical but I think he bought it.

Last night, we were driving, about 100 miles outside of Santa Fe, Nex Mexico listening to the radio. I tried to make small talk with Chip about the weather, my broken hip, but it was like pulling teeth that were, in addition to being rooted, affixed to the mouth with some super strength apoxy. Since I didnt want to listen to the local Salsa station Chip liked, and he didnt want to listen to Paul Harvey, we were listening to the news. The rest is kind of blurry. I remember an odd news story about a woman who gave birth to her 17th child, and then I remember Chip turning to me and saying "It isn't fair that only women get to experience the miracle of childbirth?" It took all my will power not to react immediately. After all, this was my meal ticket, the man who was going to win me $10,000 in Excitebike. But then I couldnt resist so I threw a cup of hot coffee in his face. I guess when you experience that kind of pain, you have a fight or flight type of reaction, and unfortunately Chip forgot when he opened the car door that we were still moving at 60 MPH. This was two hours ago. I did find his shoe, but no sign of Chip anywhere. I hope when I find him, he is dead. I don't need a Terry Schiavo on my hands.

HOW DARE YOU BAN ME!

2005-11-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

Dateline: LLWHQ.
In a moment of hubris and overweaning pride the Leahy Lounge has taken the unprecedented step of banning one of its own members, none other than media gadfly and international bon vivant Champion Sound (pictured at left). "I feel that this was a political move...or a mistake. One or the other" complained a disillusioned Me, "one thing's for sure, someone's going to pay for this and it's not going to be me." The banning leaves Champion Sound unable to either post or comment. "We're looking into it" claimed do-nothing CEO and Managing Director Coach Leahy, "chances are this was just a clerical oversight." "Yeah, well you better" responded Sound. "I will" replied Leahy. "Good, you do that" stated Sound. "I will" claimed Leahy. "Jerk" muttered Sound. "What was that?" asked Leahy. "Nothing" muttered Sound while slinking out of Leahy's office.

Disabled, yes, yes.

2005-11-15T11:53:00.000-05:00

I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Sunday night and I was captivated by the story of a one armed lobsterman and his family. It got me thinking about a tribute to famous one armed folks. I figured, if these people can shake off the debilitating limitations of living with one appendage, then all of us could surely accomplish whatever menial tasks that confront us during the average day. Off the top of my head:

Jim Abbott, MLB pitcher

But then BA pointed out that Jim Abbott wasn't really one-armed. Rather, he had an arm that ended in a nub, so he was more one-handed. Predictably, I flew off into a rage and decided to expand the category. Thus, my tribute to the most famous disabled people in history:

1. Timmy the Midget: This endearing little sot received critical acclaim for his work on the high brow drama series, Passions. Dubbed "little Olivier", Timmy's classical training at the Southern California Academy Theatre (SCAT) prepared him for such demanding roles as a precocious child lawyer on Ally McBeal. Ultimately, he exhibited his true range as an actor, playing a childlike, monotone speaking, "martimmy"-sipping doll on Passions. Sadly, Timmy passed on at the ripe old age of 20, but his contributions to method acting cannot be underestimated.

2. One legged Triathlon Guy: Despite never winning a race, this guy keeps at it, and is truly an inspiration. His Memoir, One Man's Leg, was delayed many years due to contentious litigation with the estate of John Holmes, but it serves as a firm prosthetic kick in the ass to all of us couch potatos and layabouts in the Lounge (that means you and your man cans, Eli).

3. Caspar Weinberger: A little known secret confined to the inner corridors of beltway power, Caspar's manhood was severely damaged in a childhood game of sack-whack gone horribly wrong. Which, curiously, made him the only Secretary of Defense without balls. Caspar was prone to flights of fancy, and once threatened to invade the Exiled States of America. When informed that this target was only a construct of his favorite board game, Risk 2210 AD, Caspar scoffed and declared that he would do it himself. Of course, many other secretaries have suffered from the same malaise that affects the truly gifted, though with far more kinky (and less geopolitically damaging) results.

A cursory google search of "successful cripples" produced no other results. But I'll keep looking and report back with any further developments.

Road Trip with Chip

2005-11-15T09:22:00.000-05:00

Hello all. In case you were wondering why I have not been around lately I have been mandated by the Family Court for the County I live in to embark on a two week road trip with my son Chip in order improve our struggling relationship (who knew that a local family court had the jurisdiction or authority to mandate such a thing, but I have never been one to ask these kinds of questions). I will be giving you updates from the road throughout the course of my trip. Think of this series of posts as a "Where in the World is BA Margolious?" for the Leahy Lounge.

Day One: Chip and I begin our trip. We decide our first stop will be the First Annual Excitebike Championship in Sioux City, Iowa on Thursday. Based on the nintendo game from the mid 1980s, contestants build their own Excitebikes and participate in courses similar to those featured in the game. Several casualties are expected. Chip and I begin driving around dusk. On account of us not having much to say to each other, we dont speak for the first 45 minutes of the drive. Eventually, I look out the window and notice a beautiful sunset, as reddish orange as a peach, settling over the mountains. I say, primarily to myself "that is breathtaking". Chip looks at me and smiles and says "Life is not defined by the number of breaths you take but by the number of moments that take your breath away." it is then that I know I need to ditch this fairy. 45 minutes later I am speeding away from the meanest biker bar I could find sans Chip. Guys like him are currency in a place like that.

Stay tuned for more adventures from the road with BA and Chip!

UPDATE: Day Two

Magic is all around us?

2005-11-14T10:32:00.000-05:00

This morning I was waiting for the bus and, as usual, it was a long wait. I must have waited there at the bus stop by myself for at least twenty minutes before two older women appeared, seemingly out of nowhere (but actually from right up the street), and I concurrently spied a bus headed our way. I mentioned to one of the women that it seemed like the bus only came when others showed up at the stop and, to my astonishment, she replied "of course it does, you fool, there's not enough magic in the stop with only one person waiting." "Surely you don't mean..." I began to reply. She cut me off with a sharp "surely I do" and then disappeared into thin air. Actually she disappeared onto the bus, but I was so dumbfounded by her assertion that I didn't even notice when it pulled up...or away again. As I waited for another bus I pondered what the woman had said. Could it really be possible that the entire bus system was run by magic? When I finally got to the Lounge, I immediately asked Professor Eli his professional opinion on the matter; "that's not only diculous, that's ridiculous" scoffed the Professor. I must admit that I was a little disappointed by this reply. The notion of a magically-powered mass transit system had taken ahold of my imagination and wasn't going to be dismissed that easily. At just that moment Swarthington walked past. I explained the woman's theory to him and he greeted it with aclarity; "of course the busses run on magic. Magic and happy thoughts. Subway too." I was relieved to hear the theory confirmed. "Have you seen the elves?" Swarthington asked. "Elves?" I replied, somewhat confused. "The elves are after me lucky charms. I must kill them" he responded with a smile. I peeked into Swarthington's office only to be greeted by the macabre sight of a row of headless squirrels pinned to the wall. "Little bastards. They'll never get me lucky charms!" screamed an increasingly agitated Swarthington before hurrying off down the corridor. This exchange left me more confused than ever. There was nothing to do at that point but to go see the Coach. After waiting thirty minutes or so, Joleen waved me into the Coach's office. After a prefunctory greeting, the Coach got straight to business; "what's eating you boy? You look like a goose on Christmas morning." I spilled the whole story. "Boy, there ain't a mass transit system in this country run by magic. In South America maybe, but that's a whole different ball of wax" replied the Coach. "Mass transit in America is the sole creation of the lord above. God made those busses and subway cars. God and no one else" asserted the Coach, "Don't get me wrong; Mother Nature had her hand in it too, but she works for the man upstairs." "Mr. Krensky on the 12th floor?" I inquired confusedly. "No, you idiot, God." replied the Coach, "You see, a million years ago there was nothing but dirt and rock and water and sun, but through natural processes like erosion and photosynthesis, the bus lines and subway routes were gradually hewn from the Earth's barren surface. Early man gathered around these routes and civilization slowly developed. One hundred years ago man finally worked up the courage to step onto one of these roaming behemoths and was delivered promptly to his destination. It was then that man cast off his crude animal skins and donned suits; beautiful Italian suits hewn from rock and water by God himself." So there you have it; mass transit is the work of the lord and not some magic genie that lives in Swarthington's head.

Pat Robertson to Dover, PA: Jesus has left the building.

2005-11-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

In a shocking display of honesty, Pat Robertson admitted Thursday that there is no God. In a televised segment on his insanely popular show, the 700 Club, Robinson addressed the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania, who, on Tuesday, voted out school board members who previously decided to introduce the "intelligent design" theory into the district's science curriculum:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't count on any help from God. You might think I'm being petty because of Tuesday's vote, but I'm going to come clean on this one. There is no God. Strike that. I mean, there might be a God, but who really knows? Bottom line, we're all alone in this world, maybe. Ahh, fuck it. Send your checks in to the address listed at the bottom of the screen."

With that, Robertson produced a crisply rolled $100 bill from his jacket and sniffed a sizeable line of cocaine off of the dais. "Cause that's where it's going, brothers and sisters".

Lounge Board Excited About New Direction of Blog

2005-11-11T10:16:00.000-05:00

The excitement was palpable as LLWHQ board members wrapped up their most recent meeting. "We're in for one hell of a mid-November and beyond," CEO Leahy chirped. Board member Champion Sound agreed. "Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the introduction of chinese baby Vic was a master stroke. Vic is kind of like Webster and Yao Ming all rolled into one. People are eating it up." Leahy Lounge contributor Professor Eli was optimisic but slightly more guarded. "I love the Lounge's bold new direction, but the numbers haven't yet caught up to our new creative vision. We're actually losing readers." B.A. Margolius dismissed the recent drop in readership as an aberration. "Bah! They'll be back. Where the hell else are they gonna go? Irish Trojan? Please." One thing the entire board agrees upon is that the new direction of the Lounge carries certain risks but all seem eager to roll the dice and take the upstart Lounge to the next level.

LLWHQ Security Guard Fired for Seeing Ghosts!

2005-11-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

LLWHQ, Undisclosed Location- A judge ruled that a former LLWHQ security guard who was fired for seeing ghosts cannot be denied unemployment benefits. According to a court ruling released this week, the former guard's allegation of apparitions does not constitute misconduct. The issue started on Oct. 11, when Sergeant Wade Furbie alerted LLWHQ CEO and President Coach Leahy that ghosts were haunting LLWHQ facilities. Leahy arrived at the scene, where Furbie showed him where the ghosts were apparently still standing. Leahy claimed he saw nothing, flew into a rage and fired Furbie on the spot.
A company investigation and strip search performed by Special Investigator Champion Sound found no signs of drug or alcohol use, although a laboratory analysis revealed an unusually high concentration of lemon juice on Sergeant Furbie's person. LLWHQ denied Furbie's application for unemployment benefits, arguing he was guilty of misconduct, was totally incompetent and smelled like pickled herring. "Such beliefs do render the claimant unfit to act as a security guard," Judge Bertrand Snottlebird ruled. "While the employer cannot have security guards who see ghosts and apparitions, seeing ghosts in itself is not the type of misconduct that disqualifies Sergeant Furbie from receiving benefits." LLWHQ spokesperson Professor Eli called the ruling "total bullshit." "The judge is an ass, and better watch his back," Eli added. Sergeant Furbie's claim for unemployment benefits is currently on appeal.