The Leahy Lounge

A Leahy Lounge anonymous source has confirmed that Emmy-winning actor and cultural icon William Shatner is actively seeking to obtain both nuclear and biological weapons. According to our source, extremely high concentrations of both yellowcake uranium and anthrax have been found in Mr. Shatner's garbage. Additionally, a shipping receipt found in Mr. Shatner's garbage indicates the actor recently received a shipment of nuclear rods from Capitaine, a company based in France.

Shatner's agent categorically denied the actor is involved with developing weapons of mass destruction, stating he is far too busy with his popular ABC courtroom drama Boston Legal. When our Lounge correspondent presented Shatner's agent with evidence Shatner recently acquired yellowcake uranium and nuclear rods, he stated, "Even if Mr. Shatner is developing a nuclear capability, he is doing so for the peaceful purpose of powering his Malibu estate."

We then contacted the French Government and were referred to their Special Minister of Information on the condition that his identity remain anonymous. He called the charges that a French company is supplying Shatner with nuclear materials "ludicrous." When it was pointed out to the French representative that the company involved in the transfer of nuclear materials, Capitaine, also markets a line of Captain Kirk puppets that French children are reportedly "apeshit" over, and that the same company, Capitaine, has contributed heavily to the ruling party of President Jacques Chirac, the representative abruptly ended the interview.

Our Lounge correspondent then sat down and spoke with President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about the growing Shatner threat. When our correspondent asked President Bush how he felt about a nuclear armed William Shatner, the President stated, "He's that Captain Kirk fella, right?" After confirming that Shatner did indeed play Captain Kirk on the original Star Trek series and in numerous feature films, we presented Bush with evidence that Shatner has recently acquired yellowcake uranium. The President shot back, "If this Kirk fella's got yellowcake on him, Condi will sniff it out." Condoleezza Rice quickly interjected, "What the President meant to say is that while the Administration currently has no plans to sniff William Shatner, we don't rule out the possibility we may have to sniff him at a future date if the situation so warrants."

We then presented Bush with a shipping receipt showing Shatner recently received a French delivery of nuclear rods. Bush responded, "This Captain Kirk fella's an evildoer. We're gonna smoke em out." When our correspondent explained to the President that Shatner makes dozens of public appearances a year at Star Trek conventions and elsewhere, Bush handed him a note reading, "I need to go potty," then hurried out of the interview.