The Leahy Lounge

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (Reuters) - A rampaging horde of forty evil drunken Santas stormed through central Auckland over the weekend. The Santas, chanting "Christmas burn in hell," threw beer bottles, groped and assaulted passers-by and security guards and destroyed all Christmas trees and decorations in their path. John Worchester, 32, was found by police lying in the street half-naked, bloodied and badly beaten, reindeer antlers sticking out of his ass. "At first I thought it was a joke," Worchester stated. "Then I saw their eyes...crazy evil dark eyes....like a clown's eyes. Next thing I know, they were all over me and I wind up here in the hospital with all my private places burning like hellfire."

Police said that Worchester was one of many victims of the marauding Santas. "We were overwhelmed," a police spokesman added. "We hit them with cartridge after cartridge of tear gas and it didn't even phase them. Couldn't bear to shoot 'em though, what with their being all dressed up as Santy Claus and all."

The evil Santas wreaked havoc and mayhem for over an hour and then the real Santa Claus swooped down from the sky in his reindeer-driven sleigh. Pulling a weighty double-bladed axe from a sack, Santa Claus charged into the dense formation of marauders, swinging his axe now left, now right into the thick meat of the evil Santas to the delight of police and onlookers alike. After felling a dozen or so of the red-coated fiends, the remainder broke ranks and scurried away into sewers and drainage pipes.

"Christmas is saved," the real Santa chortled. "And I know who is behind this outrage too. It is my old nemesis. And just as sure as the Pope shits in the woods, he'll be back to try to destroy Christmas again." Then Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But our Lounge correspondent heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."