The Leahy Lounge

TORONTO (Reuters) - The Canadian province of Ontario plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident. The Office of the Attorney General, which oversees the province's prosecutions, said on Thursday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case. "This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Crawley, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Wilber E. Phister, 40, of West Bend, Wisconsin, was acquitted of sexual assault charges last week because he said he was asleep during the attacks. A sleep expert testified that Phister suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced on previous occassions. During court testimony, it was revealed that Phister had fondled and groped several female victims at an all-night grocery store in Toronto while wearing a tight-fitting pink body suit, which Phister's attorney claimed was his normal bedwear.

Brenda Fowler, 32, a Toronto native and victim of Phister's assault stated, "It was disgusting, pathetic. The pervert was clearly aroused and he just kept coming at me. I screamed and screamed until a boxboy dragged his sick ass away from me. There's no way he was asleep. What a joke!"

Phister's attorney, Max Greentooth, disagreed with Ms. Fowler. "The dude's got a freakin' disease, for crying out loud. Phister is the real victim here. It's time we as a society recognized sexsomnia as a serious disease and stopped yelling 'witch' everytime a sexsomniac is caught in a little late night groping." When our Lounge correspondent reminded Greentooth that Phister was recently convicted of multiple misdemeanors for placing pictures of his genitalia on the cars of women outside of Wisconsin grocery stores, and that no 'sexsomnia' defense was presented in that case, Greentooth replied, "Hey, Assclown, that whole thing was inadmissable. The judge ruled as much. It's people like you who would piss all over legal precedent just to make a stinking point."

Since the publicity of Phister's sexsomnia defense, an epidemic of sexsomnia cases has broken out at fraternity houses all over the United States. Bud 'Gonzo' Smithson of the University of Virginia's Delta House stated, "This is gonna be bigger than bird flu. It's kicking our asses over here."