The Leahy Lounge

This is the first in a series of Hollywood gossip-based columns that I will be writing for the Lounge. One might ask "Who is Gary Smallbox and from whence did he come?" and one might answer "Only the fabbiest gossip guy on the block!". The real meat and potatoes of the story is that I went to prep school with a young Swarthington and we have been inseperable ever since. When he confided to me that the Lounge was struggling, I naturally volunteered my services sans recompence. Before we proceed to the juicy tidbits, a short note regarding the title of my column; I do realize that "all you can eat" would have been snappier, but in light of the tragic seriousness of overeating, I chose to use a more responsible title. Now, on to the dish! Today's main dish concerns young Hollywooder Tara Reid, who spent the holiday in Sri Lanka partying with local sports club the Tamil Tigers. Reid, whose hit show Taradise is scheduled to resume filming in the new year, recieved second degree burns to her face and chest when the firework that she was huffing exploded in her face. A recuperating Reid later learned that the Tigers were in fact a terrorist organization and not a sports club at all! Well, you can call me a Tararist if you must, but I'd blow up 40 virgins to get my hands on those frankenboobs!

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (Reuters) - A rampaging horde of forty evil drunken Santas stormed through central Auckland over the weekend. The Santas, chanting "Christmas burn in hell," threw beer bottles, groped and assaulted passers-by and security guards and destroyed all Christmas trees and decorations in their path. John Worchester, 32, was found by police lying in the street half-naked, bloodied and badly beaten, reindeer antlers sticking out of his ass. "At first I thought it was a joke," Worchester stated. "Then I saw their eyes...crazy evil dark eyes....like a clown's eyes. Next thing I know, they were all over me and I wind up here in the hospital with all my private places burning like hellfire."

Police said that Worchester was one of many victims of the marauding Santas. "We were overwhelmed," a police spokesman added. "We hit them with cartridge after cartridge of tear gas and it didn't even phase them. Couldn't bear to shoot 'em though, what with their being all dressed up as Santy Claus and all."

The evil Santas wreaked havoc and mayhem for over an hour and then the real Santa Claus swooped down from the sky in his reindeer-driven sleigh. Pulling a weighty double-bladed axe from a sack, Santa Claus charged into the dense formation of marauders, swinging his axe now left, now right into the thick meat of the evil Santas to the delight of police and onlookers alike. After felling a dozen or so of the red-coated fiends, the remainder broke ranks and scurried away into sewers and drainage pipes.

"Christmas is saved," the real Santa chortled. "And I know who is behind this outrage too. It is my old nemesis. And just as sure as the Pope shits in the woods, he'll be back to try to destroy Christmas again." Then Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But our Lounge correspondent heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

....and so the Lounge lay fallow and exhausted upon the land, its bountiful fall harvest plucked and stored away in the hearts of readers, and a chill winter wind moved over the land and the lounge, and not a creature stirred nor squeaked nor chirped, and all was at rest, and Leahy perused the chill landscape from on high and scratched his chin and saw that it was good, and the ghost of BA had the most ethereal look on his face and was at peace, and Eli lifted up his reading glasses and looked up from his dusty tome if only for a moment, and Eli sniffed at the cold damp air, and Eli read on, and Champion Sound busied himself about winter household matters and thought wintry hearth-squatting thoughts and was content, and Swarthington looked off in the distance over the land and the lounge, off into the vast indecipherable distance, and sighed a sigh for the seasons and dreamed of winter wheat and of cool spring rains and of a hot unconquerable summer....

WASHINGTON - A German man, Khaled al-Masri, 42, alleged in a lawsuit Tuesday that the U.S. tortured him after mistakenly identifying him as an associate of the September 11 hijackers. A Leahy Lounge correspondent confronted Masri with the fact that the "U.S." is a rather broad entity containing approximately 300 million people and asked him to be more specific. Masri replied, "It was Cheney mostly. He kept stomping on my feet with his big cowboy boots and yelling 'yeehaa' in my ears. Barbara Boxer was there too. She would pull down my undershorts and point to my genitalia while the Senate Judiciary Committee snapped digital pictures. But the Supreme Court was probably the worst. Ruth Bader Ginsburg attached electrodes to my testicles. Scalia would ask her to pull his finger and, every time she did, he would fart like the dickens and I would get the hell shocked out me. They got the biggest kick out of that one."

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AFP) - Researchers from the World Wildlife Fund conservation group may have made the extremely rare discovery of a new species of mammal in the dense forests of central Borneo, the organization said. The carnivorous mammal, slightly larger than a domestic cat with dark red fur and a long bushy tail, was photographed twice by an automated camera at night in 2003 on the Indonesian side of the island, the WWF said Tuesday.

If confirmed, it would be the first new carnivore discovered on the island in over a century. The creature, dubbed the Borneo Foxcat, would also be the first mammal discovered able to shoot laser beams from its eyes to stun prey. The Foxcat is also remarkable for its ability to make a standing leap of 100 feet or more into treetops, to cast a cloak of invisibility upon itself when startled and to wield its prehensile tail like a bludgeon to topple small trees or crush a man's shin bone as if it were a dry twig.

TORONTO (Reuters) - The Canadian province of Ontario plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident. The Office of the Attorney General, which oversees the province's prosecutions, said on Thursday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case. "This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Crawley, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Wilber E. Phister, 40, of West Bend, Wisconsin, was acquitted of sexual assault charges last week because he said he was asleep during the attacks. A sleep expert testified that Phister suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced on previous occassions. During court testimony, it was revealed that Phister had fondled and groped several female victims at an all-night grocery store in Toronto while wearing a tight-fitting pink body suit, which Phister's attorney claimed was his normal bedwear.

Brenda Fowler, 32, a Toronto native and victim of Phister's assault stated, "It was disgusting, pathetic. The pervert was clearly aroused and he just kept coming at me. I screamed and screamed until a boxboy dragged his sick ass away from me. There's no way he was asleep. What a joke!"

Phister's attorney, Max Greentooth, disagreed with Ms. Fowler. "The dude's got a freakin' disease, for crying out loud. Phister is the real victim here. It's time we as a society recognized sexsomnia as a serious disease and stopped yelling 'witch' everytime a sexsomniac is caught in a little late night groping." When our Lounge correspondent reminded Greentooth that Phister was recently convicted of multiple misdemeanors for placing pictures of his genitalia on the cars of women outside of Wisconsin grocery stores, and that no 'sexsomnia' defense was presented in that case, Greentooth replied, "Hey, Assclown, that whole thing was inadmissable. The judge ruled as much. It's people like you who would piss all over legal precedent just to make a stinking point."

Since the publicity of Phister's sexsomnia defense, an epidemic of sexsomnia cases has broken out at fraternity houses all over the United States. Bud 'Gonzo' Smithson of the University of Virginia's Delta House stated, "This is gonna be bigger than bird flu. It's kicking our asses over here."