The Leahy Lounge

Monday, November 28, 2005

Lounge Dictator dies in tragic mini-golf accident

Chip Margolious, the young boy whose deft manuevering allowed him to seize control of the Leahy Lounge last week, has died in a freak accident at Ray Spark's Jungle Golf miniature golf course and all you can eat sushi buffet on 19th Street. Margolious was apparently attempting to ride a plaster of paris giraffe when the apparatus collapsed, crushing his auburn-locked head and killing him instantly. Ignoring repeated warnings from the ghost of his father, Chip just couldn't resist sticking his finger in the socket of life.

Editorial: Few were upset upon hearing of Chip's demise. He had become a ruthless and petty bully, drunk with power and enamored with his own mundane daily activities. Readership plunged 90% over the Thanksgiving holiday, and the Lounge facilities are covered in silly string.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 12:23 PM
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SO BORED! Time for Mini-Golf!

# :: posted by Anonymous, 10:52 AM
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Friday, November 25, 2005

Age of Chip!

Now dawns the Age of Chip! I thought this picture was wonderful and so appropriate for what went down recently in the Leahy Lounge (I will be changing the blog name BTW). That's me--the gallant knight holding the flagpole up high--Sergio's holding the pole a little lower. Philipe guards my back, sword poised to strike down all who oppose us and Colibri stands behind Sergio, somewhat in the shadows, but ready for mayhem nonetheless.

You have probably already guessed who is in the pile of "BANNED" corpses we are standing on: Coach Leahy dead center, Champion Sound (note his big bald head), Swarthington (buried and rotting left of center) and Professor Eli (sliding off the pile to the left).

It's been a really stressful week, what with my dad dying and me taking over the Leahy Lounge and all. If it wasn't for my good friends, I don't know how I would have pulled through (thanks, guys!!!). I almost hate to say it, but when Dad died, it was like a 400 pound gorilla on my back died too, and then the dead gorilla fell off my back, and then it was like a 400 pound weight was taken off of me. You know what I mean?

I remember Dad used to stand on my head with his hard work shoes and say "a nickel for your thoughts." Then, if I made any sound, he'd throw a nickel in my face. He got the biggest kick out of it, but he never did it when other people were around--it was our special thing I guess. Well, there aren't any hard shoes on Chip Margolious' head anymore and Dad certainly isn't laughing. With Dad gone, my long-hidden TYPE A personality has smashed out of its prison and has climbed up to the mountaintop like a beacon that could climb mountains somehow, as if to say, "Here I am, World!!! I have so much to give!!!"
# :: posted by Anonymous, 3:50 PM
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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

# :: posted by Anonymous, 1:22 PM
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Delicious Turkey Recipe for your Holiday Pleasure

I know what you're thinking, "I thought Chip was vegan". I am, but every now and then I get a yen for some meat, especially around the holidays. Holdays in the Margolious household have always been a bit of a mixed bag, my father blinded my cousin Pedro on Thanksgiving, 1983. The following Christmas he burned down the guest house. Thanksgiving, 1988 he passed out in a plate of mashed potatoes and nearly suffocated. If uncle Steve hadn't been there to pull him out and give him the kiss of life, he never would have made it to Christmas that year. I don't really want to think about that. Dad's gone and he'll never ruin another holiday for anyone.

1 lb. bulk pork sausage, divided
1-1/2 cups hot water
2 pkg. (6 oz. each) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken, divided
1 frozen whole turkey (10 lb.), thawed
1/4 tsp. salt
PREHEAT oven to 325°F. Brown half of the sausage in large skillet on medium heat; drain, reserving 1/4 cup of the drippings. Place reserved drippings in large bowl. Stir in hot water. Add 1 pkg. of the stuffing mix and the cooked sausage; stir just until moistened. Rinse turkey with cold water. Sprinkle neck and body cavities with salt; stuff lightly with sausage mixture. Truss turkey; place in large roasting pan.
BAKE 3 hours or until turkey is cooked through.
BROWN remaining sausage; drain, reserving 1/4 cup of the drippings. Prepare remaining stuffing mix as directed on pkg. for less moist stuffing, substituting reserved cooked sausage drippings for the butter. Mix in sausage. Place turkey on serving platter. Spoon additional cooked stuffing around turkey just before serving.
# :: posted by Anonymous, 3:28 PM
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Florida Teacher Pleads Guilty in Sex Case

TAMPA, Fla. - A female teacher pleaded guilty Tuesday to having sex with a 14-year-old male student, avoiding prison as part of a plea agreement. Sultry sex kitten Debra Lafave, 25, whose sensational case made tabloid headlines, will serve three years of house arrest and seven years' probation. She pleaded guilty to two counts of lewd and lascivious battery.

The former Greco Middle School reading teacher apologized during the hearing, saying "I accept partial to full responsibility for my horny behavior." The victim, who we will refer to only as 'Lucky Boy', told investigators the two had steamy sex on a desktop at the Greco school, in her Riverview town house shower and once in a vehicle while his 15-year-old cousin drove them back and forth over parking lot speed bumps.

'Lucky Boy' told investigators Lafave's marriage was in trouble and she was hopelessly aroused by the fourteen year-old's "forbidden fruit." He said Lafave, a newlywed at the time, got to know him on a class trip to SeaWorld Orlando in May 2004, where she groped him during a particularly erotic killer whale show.

A Leahy Lounge correspondent had a chance to catch up with the victim of Lafave's dastardly crimes, who wished to remain anonymous. 'Lucky Boy' recounted for our correspondent the horrors of their encounter on the classroom teacher's desk, which involved copious amounts of whipped cream and half a dozen maraschino cherries. "I'll never look at ice cream sundaes the same way again," he added with a far-away look in his eyes. Since his victimization at the hands of the insatiable Lafave, 'Lucky Boy' has had to endure brutal stigmatization from his classmates. "They call me all sorts of names now," 'Lucky Boy' stated. "Stud, Superman, God of the Eighth Grade....it never stops."

It is hoped that the example made of Debra Lafave will deter other attractive young female schoolteachers from recreating every schoolboy's worst nightmare--consensual sex with a hot and horny older female authority figure.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 8:14 AM
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

In Memory of my Father


Today we mourn the untimely death of my father, BA Margolious. My father and I didn't really have an affectionate relationship or a loving relationship. Or much of a relationship at all. In fact, the one constant in our relationship was abuse and humiliation. He was proud of me though, I think. Actually, he really wasn't. Anything even remotely resembling "pride", or more specifically "not hate" was probably just him manipulating me. I remember this one time he came home drunk and he woke me up by putting out a lit cigarette on my forehead. He kind of mumbled something about wanting to spend time with his "daughter" and that this is why he woke me up but he just passed out on my bed. He suffocated my little dog Pepe that night. That's not a very fond memory come to think of it.

Well my dad did have some positive influence on my life; he introduced me to Professor Eli. I have a song I'd like to sing for my muse, Professor Eli Slapworthy.

Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
We're floating in space?
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That happiness makes you cry? (actually most things make me cry - Drama Queen!)
Do you realize, Professor Eli?
That everyone you know someday will die? Except for me of course.

Now that I think about it, singing a song from the album "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" is probably not the most appropriate thing considering how my father died. But I think he would have appreciated it considering he always considered me a huge disappointment.

I love you dad!
# :: posted by Anonymous, 9:19 AM
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Shatner Seeking Weapons of Mass Destruction

A Leahy Lounge anonymous source has confirmed that Emmy-winning actor and cultural icon William Shatner is actively seeking to obtain both nuclear and biological weapons. According to our source, extremely high concentrations of both yellowcake uranium and anthrax have been found in Mr. Shatner's garbage. Additionally, a shipping receipt found in Mr. Shatner's garbage indicates the actor recently received a shipment of nuclear rods from Capitaine, a company based in France.

Shatner's agent categorically denied the actor is involved with developing weapons of mass destruction, stating he is far too busy with his popular ABC courtroom drama Boston Legal. When our Lounge correspondent presented Shatner's agent with evidence Shatner recently acquired yellowcake uranium and nuclear rods, he stated, "Even if Mr. Shatner is developing a nuclear capability, he is doing so for the peaceful purpose of powering his Malibu estate."

We then contacted the French Government and were referred to their Special Minister of Information on the condition that his identity remain anonymous. He called the charges that a French company is supplying Shatner with nuclear materials "ludicrous." When it was pointed out to the French representative that the company involved in the transfer of nuclear materials, Capitaine, also markets a line of Captain Kirk puppets that French children are reportedly "apeshit" over, and that the same company, Capitaine, has contributed heavily to the ruling party of President Jacques Chirac, the representative abruptly ended the interview.

Our Lounge correspondent then sat down and spoke with President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice about the growing Shatner threat. When our correspondent asked President Bush how he felt about a nuclear armed William Shatner, the President stated, "He's that Captain Kirk fella, right?" After confirming that Shatner did indeed play Captain Kirk on the original Star Trek series and in numerous feature films, we presented Bush with evidence that Shatner has recently acquired yellowcake uranium. The President shot back, "If this Kirk fella's got yellowcake on him, Condi will sniff it out." Condoleezza Rice quickly interjected, "What the President meant to say is that while the Administration currently has no plans to sniff William Shatner, we don't rule out the possibility we may have to sniff him at a future date if the situation so warrants."

We then presented Bush with a shipping receipt showing Shatner recently received a French delivery of nuclear rods. Bush responded, "This Captain Kirk fella's an evildoer. We're gonna smoke em out." When our correspondent explained to the President that Shatner makes dozens of public appearances a year at Star Trek conventions and elsewhere, Bush handed him a note reading, "I need to go potty," then hurried out of the interview.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 8:09 AM
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Monday, November 21, 2005

Board Member BA struck down well after his time

In a shocking but thoroughly predictable turn of events, longtime LL board member BA Margolious was murdered by a devastatingly sexy ninja this morning. Pursuant to the Leahy Lounge Charter, BA's son Chip will take over BA's spot on the Board of Directors.

Like a child who can't resist playing with fire, BA ignored his fellow board members' repeated pleas to stop provoking the unstable Yoshimi. Prudence never was BA's strong suit, and thus the last minutes of his life proceeded just as the 62 years before- unthinking, reactionary, and ultimately, unsuccessful.

Board member Professor Eli, reached under his desk for comment, could only make snot bubbles and frantic hand signals in response to repeated requests for an explanation of the situation. At this time, Yohsimi's whereabouts are unknown. As such, Swarthington has activated LLWHQ's Emergency Preparedness Plan (EPP). All employees have been instructed to act as human shields while the remaining 4 board members attempt to evacuate the premises. Additionally, under the well-drilled EPP, Chief Security Guard Wade Furbie has been instructed to strip, cover his body in lemon juice and wait in Champion Sound's office.

In light of these distressing events, the Bridges from the 21st Century program has been tabled for the forseeable future.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 2:30 PM
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Friday, November 18, 2005

Shatner Wants to Sell Kidney Stone

11/17/2005 - 19:31:59 William Shatner is hoping to persuade medics who removed his kidney stone to hand it over so he can sell it on auction site eBay. The actor, who played Captain James T. Kirk on Star Trek, claimed the stone will become "the ultimate piece of Star Trek memorabilia." When told by our Lounge correspondent that eBay has strict rules about the sale of body parts, Shatner screamed, "Khaaaaaaan!!!", then stormed out of the interview.

His agent referred us to Shatner's brother Buddy Shatner, who manages all of William Shatner's memorabilia businesses. "Oh, yeah, the kidney stone will be huge. Twenty or thirty grand minimum," Buddy chortled. "Last year, we sold limited edition bronze William Shatner Deathmasks on eBay and made a killing. I'm talking KILLING. Think low to mid six figures. Each mask came with a certificate stating that while Billy is still living, the expression on the mask will substantially represent his actual face upon death. The public ate it up. Couldn't get a freaking nuff of em."

When we informed Buddy Shatner about eBay's restrictions on the sale of body parts, he shot back, "I don't give a flying f***. I'll sell the goddamn stone in Japan." Our research shows it won't be the first time the Shatners have sold body parts of Star Trek cast members in Asia. Before agreeing to do any of the Star Trek feature films, Shatner made many of the cast members sign over to him rights to their internal organs after death. The recent death of actor James Doohan, who played Chief Engineer Scotty on Star Trek, proved a windfall for the Shatners.

"Oh yeah, we were just sick over Jimmy's death. But, you know, we had buyers lined up and had to move body parts," Buddy Shatner explained. "I believe the liver and spleen went to an investor in Singapore, heart to Japan and lungs to Taiwan. It was sad in a way. We had to take out most of Jimmy's innards. They had to stuff the corpse with foam insulation for the wake. But I'll tell you this, Jimmy still made a beautiful corpse.....looked just like an angel lying there."

When our Lounge correspondent asked Buddy Shatner whether he thought there might eventually be some sort of fan backlash against William Shatner's seemingly greedy opportunism, he snapped, "Listen, cheese dick, you aint seen nothing. You haven't heard the last from Billy Shatner."
# :: posted by Swarthington, 7:30 AM
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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Cross Dressing Blogger to keep job, for now...


Many of you have probably heard of the cross dressing blogger, David Lat, author of the snarky judicial gossip blog, Underneath Their Robes (taken offline Monday). Apparently, Lat is still employed by the Department of Justice in Newark, NJ despite his self-outing in a New Yorker article this weekend.

Lat posed as a female junior associate at an anonymous large firm under the pseudonym, Article III Groupie. During the course of his wildly popular run, Lat made totally heterosexual observations regarding the "hotness" of Supreme Court nominee Alito's son, and the "cuteness" of Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts' chin dimple.

Judge Richard Posner, a fan of the blog, expressed "total shock that it was a straight guy, especially considering the graphic descriptions of how to give proper oral sex. I mean, how does a guy even know those things. He must be very well read."

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft, when reached at home, stated "this whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as a naked statue, but close."

Lat could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the situation reported that the outing has caused considerable stress. Large deliveries of chocolate and Jimmy Choo shoes were made to Lat's apartment on Christopher Street Wednesday afternoon.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:59 AM
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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Disabled, yes, yes.


I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Sunday night and I was captivated by the story of a one armed lobsterman and his family. It got me thinking about a tribute to famous one armed folks. I figured, if these people can shake off the debilitating limitations of living with one appendage, then all of us could surely accomplish whatever menial tasks that confront us during the average day. Off the top of my head:


Jim Abbott, MLB pitcher


But then BA pointed out that Jim Abbott wasn't really one-armed. Rather, he had an arm that ended in a nub, so he was more one-handed. Predictably, I flew off into a rage and decided to expand the category. Thus, my tribute to the most famous disabled people in history:

1. Timmy the Midget: This endearing little sot received critical acclaim for his work on the high brow drama series, Passions. Dubbed "little Olivier", Timmy's classical training at the Southern California Academy Theatre (SCAT) prepared him for such demanding roles as a precocious child lawyer on Ally McBeal. Ultimately, he exhibited his true range as an actor, playing a childlike, monotone speaking, "martimmy"-sipping doll on Passions. Sadly, Timmy passed on at the ripe old age of 20, but his contributions to method acting cannot be underestimated.

2. One legged Triathlon Guy: Despite never winning a race, this guy keeps at it, and is truly an inspiration. His Memoir, One Man's Leg, was delayed many years due to contentious litigation with the estate of John Holmes, but it serves as a firm prosthetic kick in the ass to all of us couch potatos and layabouts in the Lounge (that means you and your man cans, Eli).

3. Caspar Weinberger: A little known secret confined to the inner corridors of beltway power, Caspar's manhood was severely damaged in a childhood game of sack-whack gone horribly wrong. Which, curiously, made him the only Secretary of Defense without balls. Caspar was prone to flights of fancy, and once threatened to invade the Exiled States of America. When informed that this target was only a construct of his favorite board game, Risk 2210 AD, Caspar scoffed and declared that he would do it himself. Of course, many other secretaries have suffered from the same malaise that affects the truly gifted, though with far more kinky (and less geopolitically damaging) results.

A cursory google search of "successful cripples" produced no other results. But I'll keep looking and report back with any further developments.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:53 AM
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Friday, November 11, 2005

Pat Robertson to Dover, PA: Jesus has left the building.


In a shocking display of honesty, Pat Robertson admitted Thursday that there is no God. In a televised segment on his insanely popular show, the 700 Club, Robinson addressed the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania, who, on Tuesday, voted out school board members who previously decided to introduce the "intelligent design" theory into the district's science curriculum:

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't count on any help from God. You might think I'm being petty because of Tuesday's vote, but I'm going to come clean on this one. There is no God. Strike that. I mean, there might be a God, but who really knows? Bottom line, we're all alone in this world, maybe. Ahh, fuck it. Send your checks in to the address listed at the bottom of the screen."

With that, Robertson produced a crisply rolled $100 bill from his jacket and sniffed a sizeable line of cocaine off of the dais. "Cause that's where it's going, brothers and sisters".
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 12:28 PM
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Lounge Board Excited About New Direction of Blog

The excitement was palpable as LLWHQ board members wrapped up their most recent meeting. "We're in for one hell of a mid-November and beyond," CEO Leahy chirped. Board member Champion Sound agreed. "Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the introduction of chinese baby Vic was a master stroke. Vic is kind of like Webster and Yao Ming all rolled into one. People are eating it up." Leahy Lounge contributor Professor Eli was optimisic but slightly more guarded. "I love the Lounge's bold new direction, but the numbers haven't yet caught up to our new creative vision. We're actually losing readers." B.A. Margolius dismissed the recent drop in readership as an aberration. "Bah! They'll be back. Where the hell else are they gonna go? Irish Trojan? Please." One thing the entire board agrees upon is that the new direction of the Lounge carries certain risks but all seem eager to roll the dice and take the upstart Lounge to the next level.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 10:16 AM
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Thursday, November 10, 2005

LLWHQ Security Guard Fired for Seeing Ghosts!

LLWHQ, Undisclosed Location- A judge ruled that a former LLWHQ security guard who was fired for seeing ghosts cannot be denied unemployment benefits. According to a court ruling released this week, the former guard's allegation of apparitions does not constitute misconduct. The issue started on Oct. 11, when Sergeant Wade Furbie alerted LLWHQ CEO and President Coach Leahy that ghosts were haunting LLWHQ facilities. Leahy arrived at the scene, where Furbie showed him where the ghosts were apparently still standing. Leahy claimed he saw nothing, flew into a rage and fired Furbie on the spot.
A company investigation and strip search performed by Special Investigator Champion Sound found no signs of drug or alcohol use, although a laboratory analysis revealed an unusually high concentration of lemon juice on Sergeant Furbie's person. LLWHQ denied Furbie's application for unemployment benefits, arguing he was guilty of misconduct, was totally incompetent and smelled like pickled herring. "Such beliefs do render the claimant unfit to act as a security guard," Judge Bertrand Snottlebird ruled. "While the employer cannot have security guards who see ghosts and apparitions, seeing ghosts in itself is not the type of misconduct that disqualifies Sergeant Furbie from receiving benefits." LLWHQ spokesperson Professor Eli called the ruling "total bullshit." "The judge is an ass, and better watch his back," Eli added. Sergeant Furbie's claim for unemployment benefits is currently on appeal.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 3:58 PM
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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Breaking News: Charles indicted for treason


Leahy Lounge gadfly Charles "the greek" Barghouti has been indicted by a special LLWHQ grand jury convened recently to investigate a series of pernicious leaks inside the Lounge. Charles, seen here in an earlier file photo, allegedly orchestrated a full scale conspiracy from the back steps of the Lounge, with our sworn enemy, Brendan Loy.

According to Special Prosecutor Swarthington, Charles delivered sensitive information about LLWHQ in exchange for a lucrative website development contract. Since Loy's site hosts nearly twice as many visitors a day as the Lounge in the absence of a natural disaster, one can only speculate that this contract will put food on the table in the Barghouti household for at least 3 to 4 days.

When reached for comment, Loy stated "I don't have time for this nonsense. The new Harry Potter is being released in 9 days, and Becky made me knit sweaters for all of our cats." Loy then stormed off in a huff to erect a tent outside the Showtime Theatres in South Bend. After witnessing his tirade, one local resident approached this reporter and stated "Be cool. We'll fix this cracker's ass before the ink dries on that indictment. Print that, motherf*cker."

Charles could not be reached for comment, but his sister did let slip that he'd been watching Lifetime TV for days on end recently, while wearing an ascot and sipping chamomile tea.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 2:00 PM
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Oops

# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 6:28 PM
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LLWHQ to Undergo Extensive Renovations


Caught offguard by the recent insurgency, LLWHQ convened an emergency meeting today in order to evaluate current security protocols. Conferencing in from an undisclosed location, a bitter Champion Sound thoroughly reamed fellow Lounge members for their lack of vigilance. A severely chastened Coach Leahy expressed remorse about the hastily arranged spring gun defense, and vowed to do better next time.

Lounge boardmembers agreed on the new and improved design pictured at the upper left. LLWHQ refused to divulge any of the classified interdiction devices to be utilized in the revamped facility, among which are rumored to be numerous pygmies and a large mascot of indeterminate origin.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 2:24 PM
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Snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


You guys suck. What passes for humor in this blog blows my mind. I have taken it upon myself to hack into this blog and try to shake things up lest we all hang ourselves.

Hey guys, who am I:

"blah blah blah! My son is gay!"

"once upon a time I blah blah denied tenure blah blah banana incident blah blah blah"

"blah blah my bones blah blah coffin is too small blah blah want to be Loy's girlfriend blah blah blah"

See how easy it is?

You people wouldn't know funny if it mounted your back leg and started humping like an amorous water buffalo.
# :: posted by Anonymous, 12:36 PM
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Monday, November 07, 2005

Champion Sound Missing!

Leahy Lounge contributor extraordinaire Champion Sound has been reported missing for the second time in so many months. At Leahy Lounge World Headquarters (LLWHQ) speculation has been raging unchecked for the past few days. Much of the speculation centers around his well-known penchant for week-long benders in the Southern United States and equally well-known fetish for geriatric men. Champion was last seen by Professor Eli at a local grocery store. "He must have had three or four dozen lemons in shopping basket," stated the professor. "When I called out to him, he completely ignored me. He had this wild almost animal look in his eyes. I'd thought I'd seen the devil." Last time Champion went missing, he turned up one week later and claimed no memory of where he'd been or what he'd been doing.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 10:12 AM
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Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bobby V. deigns to speak to U.S. club

Fresh off a championship in Japan, the lounge's own Bobby V. is fielding calls from a U.S. team.

Although he has repeatedly said he's happy in Japan and plans to reinstate himself as Emperor before next season, he told the New York Post that he has had calls from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays .

"I have a great job," the disgraced former Mets manager told The Post.

"Just to manage in the States -- just to manage in the States -- doesn't have that much appeal to me. Besides, these people need me over here. Before I arrived, Japan was a rudderless, backward society. They didn't even know who I was. Imagine that?"

"If I managed somewhere that is a good fit, where I can be challenged, I might consider returning to the United States. Of course, I'd require full control of the organization, from personnel decisions, payroll, stadium vendor selection, to travelling accomodations. I like those bathrooms that sprinkle your backside with water."

Despite his small ego and slight eccentricities, only one team has shown interest so far, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The Devil Rays, just two days after gauging his interest by telephone, made Valentine one of ten finalists for the club's vacant managerial position.

Valentine, who led the Chiba Lotte Marines to the Japan League championship in a four-game sweep last week, spoke with the Devil Rays for more than five minutes Sunday.

"Watching our guys all season and the World Series on TV, I can tell you the level of play is equal," Valentine said after becoming the first foreigner to manage a Japan Series champion. "However, the managerial talent is far greater in Japan. I anticipate winning over 90% of my games should I decide to return to the states."

Valentine, who managed the Mets to a dreadful World Series loss five years ago to the Yankees, considers his latest Japanese team to be the best in the history of baseball. "It's as good a team as I've ever managed," he said. "I'd put them up against the '27 Yankees, and I know we'd be wiping Gehrig and Ruth from the bottom of our cleats."

Bobby V. would be replacing Lou Piniella, who stepped down at the end of last season after he was institutionalized.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 10:16 AM
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lounge History, Part I


Many years ago, in a hauntingly debauched place known as the Glass Slipper, I encountered a man who helped change the course of my life. At the time, I was board certified podiatrist, swimming in cash and enjoying the finer things in life. From time to time, the shoemaking industry would woo us with drug and alcohol fueled junkets to the most exotic locations in the United States. Biloxi, Nashville, Wilkes-Barre, and eventually, Baltimore. Which is where this story begins.

The conference organizers realized that Baltimore, being a slightly less desirable destination than the aforementioned tourist havens, required a special touch to make attractive. Thus they scheduled untold recreational activities for the 22 hours a day we spent outside the convention hall. Honestly, how many presentations can you witness on the efficacy of wide soled shoes in treating galactically infected bunions? One night they filled us full of absinthe and amyl nitrate and poured us into a party van en route to the Slipper, the finest gentleman's club in the city. As I sat at the bar and bathed in the warm haze of my hallucinogenic reverie, I noticed a particularly swinging gentleman commanding the attention of a half dozen ladies in a leather backed booth. Sauntering over to the table, I laid my cards down for all to see. "I bet I know your shoe size without looking at your feet", I boasted to the assembled talent (this line had worked without fail for a number of years). The small, mole-like man shot me a withering gaze and I knew right then I'd made a horrible mistake. A mistake I've paid for until this day. This man was in the business....


Now, BA's version:

Keep in mind this was the mid seventies, when every Tom, Dick and Raoul was coming into the shoe business. This was way before Al Bundy and those hacks at Fox did all they could to sully America's oldest (it's true, look it up) and most proud industry. Everyone in the foot industry thought they were a rock star.

For a guy like me, who came into the business in the fifties and mentored under someone like the legendary Jack Hesselson, young turks like this Jack Tripper wannabe were as distasteful as the Tab and Tanqueray they were sipping on. I had to strike a blow for every ill dressed man in a brown suit who'd had the door shut on his corn encrusted feet at a haughty Dr.'s office. In response to his challenge, I slowly drained the rest of my Jack, narrowed my eyes, and picked up the gauntlet "I tell you what son. Let's make it interesting. I bet the company of these six lovely ladies for the remainder of the conference that I can name the last ten pairs of shoes you bought. All the details: size, style, color, the whole shebang."

He paused, taken a little back by my confidence, but then that sly smile of his that I came to love over the next 30 years slowly curled in. "What's in it for you?" he said. Check and mate I thought. "I win, you come work for me." It was a deal. 15 minutes later, the Coach wore the puzzled look of someone who just heard a complete stranger tell him about a pair of running shoes he had bought in 1971 and I had a new apprentice.


# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 2:49 PM
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Man Kills Buck With Bare Hands in Bedroom

BENTONVILLE, Ark. - It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Wayne Goldsberry killed Buck Henry with his bare hands in his daughter's bedroom. The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Goldsberry finally subdued the actor/comedian who crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter's home Friday. When it was over, blood splattered the walls and Henry lay on the bedroom floor, his neck broken.
Goldsberry was at his daughter's home when he heard glass breaking. He went back to check on the noise and found Buck Henry.
"I was standing about like this peeking around the corner when Buck came out of the bedroom," said Goldsberry, demonstrating while peering around his kitchen wall. Henry ran down the hall and into the master bedroom — "jumping back and forth across the bed."
"I could tell he was really tearing up the place back there," Goldsberry said.
Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront Henry and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the comedian and twist his neck, killing him.
"He was trying to get up a corner wall and I just came in behind him and grabbed him by the head and just started pushing down," said Goldsberry.
Goldsberry, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead comedian out of the house.
"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for awhile," Deputy Doug Gay said.
Benton County Sheriff Keith Ferguson said that when he arrived he found the comedian dead in the front yard. Goldsberry intended to have Henry processed for his meat.
Gay said that, this time of year, comedians that see their reflection in windows often charge them, believing the mirror image to be a rival.
On Monday in Pine Bluff, the principal of Coleman Elementary School rid his building of a comedian by opening a door. Students were preparing for dismissal Monday when a comedian crashed through a window and bounded through a hallway.
The comedian floundered on the school's slick floor for about three minutes exiting via a door along the side of a hallway. Principal Bill Tietz said the comedian was slightly injured from the glass and lost an ear. Tietz says he leapt a six-foot fence after leaving the school.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 9:58 AM
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Persian Curiosity, Part Deux


TEHRAN (Reuters) - Police in northeastern Iran are launching a new morality drive by confiscating alluring mannequins from boutiques and clothes stalls in the bazaar, authorities in the city of Bojnourd said Monday.

A spokesman for the city's judiciary, who asked not be named, explained the drive would tackle problems of "public chastity." He said 65 mannequins have been impounded so far.

He explained the crack-down on tailors' dummies was part of a larger offensive against anti-social behavior such as vandalism and biker gangs.

Bojnourd owes its traditional religious climate to the nearby shrine city of Mashhad, a focal point of pilgrimage for the world's Shi'ite Muslims.

U.S. officials, concerned for her safety, notified Kim Cattrall and placed her under guard. Andrew McCarthy has not been seen in five years, and is presumed deceased.
# :: posted by Coach Leahy, 11:07 AM
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Iranian Kills Woman When She Proposes

TEHRAN (Reuters) - A 52-year-old Iranian has been found guilty of killing his 70-year-old lover when she asked to marry him, a newspaper reported Monday. A court report in the Etemad daily said a taxi driver, identified only as Hamidreza, became furious when his elderly lover Setareh proposed marriage. "I went to her house and she said she had deep feelings for me and suggested we get married," he told the court. Hamidreza explained he already had a wife and children. "She then got frustrated and slapped me," he said.
The man knocked her unconscious and suffocated her with bed-sheets before making off with her jewelry. "She had it coming," Hamidreza added. "Nobody liked her. She smelled like pickled herring and made disgusting snorting sounds from her nasal cavity, the filthy old boar." The court apparently agreed, sentencing Hamidreza to read the Koran cover to cover and to kill one infidel before his 70th birthday.
# :: posted by Swarthington, 9:41 AM
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